This is what I think of you

Diabetes. You can go to hell. I don’t write about you much, because I try to put you in the background. I don’t want you to run our lives. I want to just get on with it, and let you be a footnote.

Today I’m upset by you. Fuck you diabetes. I don’t write about you here. I don’t want pity, but I’m angry at you. I’m exhausted by you. I’m tired of waking up to you in the night. Sick to death of forcing my sleepy little girl to drink juice after juice in the dark to get her blood sugar back up to a safe level.

Last night you pushed me too far. You make me argue with my husband. You disturb my other daughter in her sleep. You dropped little L down to 1.9. That’s not OK. It was sheer luck, mother’s instinct, or fate that told me upon going to bed that the usual 3 am check wouldn’t be safe, and that her bedtime level of 5.7 would need a 1:30 am check. THANK GOD I did. 600ml of juice later, and little L saying ‘ENOUGH!’, she was back to 4.2. What happens the time my instinct doesn’t tell me to check her at the ‘right’ time? Two weeks ago she was so low she was shaking and not ‘there’ and I was about to pull out the orange needle in the dark. She was screwed up and tired and headachy with a ‘glucagon hangover’ the whole next day. She slept for hours. LEAVE US ALONE.

I need a break from you. I want a weekend away. I want to go. But I will miss my girl. I want to see her, and be with her, but without this thing in the way. You are in the way. Why can’t YOU go away for the weekend instead?

I know you make her tough, resilient, wise beyond her years, and great with numbers. Whatever. I want her to be a 5 year-old kid, and carefree. Not watchful and wary. Missing out on fun stuff because she has to sit out with a hypo.

Diabetes, go to hell. You are thorn in our lives, and a nightmare in my nights. I’ll probably regret publishing this post, but I feel calmer already. I need to tell everyone what I think of you, because perhaps people don’t realise how much you truly suck.


17 thoughts on “This is what I think of you

  1. Bloody hell, Kim. I’m heartbroken for you and little L. Shit upon shit is what type 1 is. I just hope you can get a little respite here or there, although I don’t know how. I know you don’t write this for sympathy, but I really feel for you and your family. xxxx L

  2. Kim, neither I nor most other people will ever know how it feels to be you, but my empathetic nerves are standing to attention . I know the ‘what if’ situations aren’t healthy to ponder, but in your case I can’t even begin to imagine how terrifying the feeling is. You are a great mum. You are a superstar. You got this. xxx

    • Thanks Ems. Feeling stronger tonight. She’s so tough and lovely she makes it OK. And she really is fine, not sick. I’m just tired! Good night’s sleep needed. xxx

  3. I’m not very good with words especially when they are being put down on paper (or keyboard in this case!)… but it sucks, it REALLY sucks.
    I just want you to know I’m here for you – for whatever it is I can do!

  4. I’ll be angry with you – we need to find a cure not just treatment. And not so dramatic as pancreas transplants. If scientists can clone a sheep surely they can cure a disease that is suffered by millions around the world.
    lydiamissmoffat recently posted…Censoring the selfieMy Profile

    • Thanks Lydia. I’m putting my money on stem cells… perhaps. In any case, I’m in a hurry. Something’s sure to happen – gotta be hopeful, right? The sheer numbers mean research is happening. So that’s a good thing.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear you had such a shitty night. It must be so stressful living with this ‘other’ presence in the family all the time. I’m glad the blog gives you a chance to vent, but I know it’ll all still be there again by tonight. I have enough trouble managing my kids’ food, getting them to eat well and drink more water etc etc without the added concern about sugar levels. I suppose it may get a little easier as she gets older and can make more sense of it herself? Hang in there :(
    Lara @ This Charming Mum recently posted…Review: Yoo hoo Ladybird! by Mem FoxMy Profile

    • Thanks Lara. The blog really is so cathartic. And I know it will get better and more stable as she stops growing so quickly. Just had to have a scream! THanks for the support x

  6. Shit that sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with this crap. I have no words of wisdom to impart but can only hope that with time it gets easier. Sounds like you need to give yourself a bit of a break if you possibly can.
    mumabulous recently posted…Dropping My BallsMy Profile

  7. You’re right. People who don’t have to live with it really don’t understand how much it sucks and how much it INTRUDES on everything. How much it controls everything and factors in every decision you make. I wish I had something more productive to say – but all I can say is that my heart aqches for you both xxx
    Rachel recently posted…Rise of the MachinesMy Profile

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