On Bacon and crises of the existential variety

I’m not sure how you’ll feel about this, but I can’t give myself to Bacon. For one thing, I’m married. I’d maybe consider him if I was still single and looking for something to lay on my plate, but, well … I’m already well and truly committed, hook, line and sinker to his Italian fratello Signor Prosciutto. Secretly, also, I’m having a recent little affair with his distant cousin (or, as I like to call him, his brother from another mother), Jamon Serrano. Call me picky, but I’m partial to a little Eurotrash. Then – if I’m living LARGE and getting out of the Eurotrash zone, I’d like me some Jamon Iberico please. Just don’t tell my husband Signor Prosciutto. He thinks he’s big in Europe. He is, but in an overexposed kind of way; somewhat like Ibiza, and all of its Embarrassing Bodies in the popup clinic on the beach.

Shall we swing north a little to the German Black Forest and its delicious little piggies? Nope. I’ll leave them for you, because I’m generous for one, and because I’ve also drowned in a vat of sangria under a ton of Jamon. Mmmmm.


Offputting, what? Zombie prosciutto hand, GET IN MY BELLY!

Offputting, what? Zombie prosciutto hand, GET IN MY BELLY!

Ummm.. what was the point of my post? To wipe the drool off my keyboard? Yes. And also to point out that, since we are all only separated by 6 degrees of Kevin’s Bacon (cos that dude must have got his Foot Loose around a WHOLE lot more than just middle America), we need to reach some kind of committed stance on Bacon. And the Bacons. And how people who are called bacon probably should not eat Bacon (did I just confuse my capitalisation? You can see the potential problems inherent in names as foods and vice versa) as you can see how this could cause problems.


Francis Bacon, TOTALLY AWESOME DUDE, and also a quite good philosopher, statesman, scientist, lawyer, jurist, author and all-round guy, circa 1500-1600s, brought us some very important thoughts on just about everything. Particularly the modern scientific method. So in his free time he just sat around, thinking about how his name was the same as a food, I’m sure. Despite his 100 shades of wow, apparently he wrote years later of his regret at not having married the young widow who was snaffled away by the lawman with the modern multinational moniker.

Mr 16th century Bacon (not to be confused with Kevin, as, you know, time travel and Deloreans are just in the MOVIES you silly rabbits) was to have married a young widow, Elizabeth Hatton, who broke off their engagement to marry for money. The modern day multinational equivalent, if you will, Sir Edward Coke. This guy was a barrister, Chief Justice and politician. Despite Bacon being a dude, he was a poor dude, while Coke CJ had CASH and influence. He’s the daddy of common law. So much so, in fact, that we spent many delightful hours picking apart his words in Law 101. He was a multinational arse, though, and seems to have married Liz purely because Bacon wanted her. Bacon was a true intellectual, philosopher, and thinker, while Coke was 100% law-man, investing spare energy in tearing his competitor down. I think we will call him roast pork. Too long in the oven. Overcooked and very dry.

So back to the modern day, and I’m left asking what it all means. What is the square root of bacon? All this thinking about Bacon as a pig and a food and a person, and then as a philosopher, and then how we’re all, in fact, separated by only 6 degrees of Bacon has brought me to my little existential crisis. That is the logical endpoint at which to arrive from these meanderings, surely?

And that's all I have to say about that.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Bacon, for all his wide-ranging interests, and fingers in different pork pies left his political career in disgrace, and with regrets. Coke? Dry pork man? He focused and won. I don’t like this analogy if I apply it to my life, because I feel like I’m attempting much and winning at nothing. But neither do I want to be dry pork.

Paulo Coelho, one of my favourite writers but also a philosopher in my eyes tweeted some pretty great words the other day that I’ll be keeping close. ‘Feign madness but keep your balance’.

In bacon terms, and Bacon terms, I think that means to eat prosciutto hands with relish, enjoy a little from all of the cured pig food groups (balance, see?) skip the regrets, and avoid drinking Coke or watching spills, because that shit will rot your brain.


Horizontal on the Lounge this week, guzzling a pinot gris with Slapdash Mama, cos it goes so well with bacon.


[Picture Credit: Zombie hand - http://www.collegehumor.com

20 thoughts on “On Bacon and crises of the existential variety

    • Do it. Follow your compulsions! Follow Paulo! Eat all the pork! Maybe just skip the last one cos vomiting is never fun. ;)

    • Losed is most totally definitely a word, in my world, an that’s where we live, right? I can totally see that prosciutto hand clutching a few breadsticks, holding my glass of wine for me. Yummmmmmm. You’re a creative genius my girl.

  1. I’m finding that hand repulsive yet compelling, would it be worse than trying to eat a banana in public …?

    • HAHHA I can’t eat bananas in public either, unless I ‘delicately break them into bite-size pieces’. Also — can’t find how/where to tell you – been trying to comment on your blog and the EVIL THING WON’T LET ME! Or maybe I’ve been eating too many hands and my brains has holes in it…

  2. I knew Kevin would get a mention this week, I knew it! I thought it would’ve been Mumabulous though, with one of her, ahem, pervy posts… Except for that disgusting hand, your post has made me rather peckish. I could so go a little personal antipasto platter and a glass of vino.
    Robomum recently posted…The Bacon Post About TeachingMy Profile

    • Hopefully you have little experience with either, though I’ll still battle my way through dry pork if there’s enough crackling to soften the blow. I’m a trouper like that.

  3. As ever, you’ve just bent my mind in 5 directions then brought it back to a central point in the name of balance! That hand is DISGUSTING and I may never eat prosciutto again. But apart from that, great post! I never knew all that about Bacon the elder.
    Lara @ This Charming Mum recently posted…6 degrees of *yawn*My Profile

  4. Interestingly, I started out looking at quotes of Francis Bacon, but he kind of said crappy things about women – so then I looked at quotes by Kevin Bacon, but he takes himself far too seriously (which you wouldn’t think, given some of his films and his role in Bored to Death)….but you trump my very thought processes hands down with the zombie hand. That kind of makes me want to vomit yet put it up on FB at the same time. You win, fair dame!
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted…Conversations with the mirrorMy Profile

    • Oh no, no win at all if Francis B says bad things about women. Granted, he lived way back when, and I was thinking more about his works on utopic worlds than individual groups, but no excuse. He’s a dude no longer. Just a very, very smart arse.

  5. Ummm. Do you follow me? I don’t know. YES you do. Just checked oh useless one. Bugger the bacon. Go get yourself some prosciutto. We can drape ourselves in it on the Lounge. ;)

    • You can’t Leanne. That is absolutely intolerable. You’ll just have to pretend he’s a child, and sneak it in when he’s not looking, like with the secret carrots in spag bol.

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