Live from Pet Cemetery – Robopets, the way of the future?

Life in a glass menagerie is hard. There you are, being a fish, swimming around being all fishy and gold, when one day you find yourself nose down, shaking your tail fin, contemplating your fishtality. Or not. Your brain is the size of a pebble. You probably can’t see it coming. You may not be staring at it, but death is staring at you, my friend. I have a solution to this problem. Be a fake pet. A robot pet. You can’t die, and nobody will cry. And I won’t have to keep fixing all of the horrible stupid nightmarish crap that keeps happening with sneezing rabbits, upside down fish, hind-leg hairless cats and flea-allergic dogs that keep NEEDING things. Like children. Oh. Did I say that last bit out loud? Sorry. Temporary digression. But love. Pet love. Aww.

Please note – the tank filth did not kill Goldie because Blackie lives. So does Sticker, who is my favourite fish, always smiling and not eating.

So, Goldie died. Poor, poor little Goldie.

Now normally, I would have thought nothing of it and flushed Goldie, sending her back to Nemo and friends in the *sea, but after the recent passing of our beloved 21-year old Kobi-cat, there were floods of tears when little A realised Goldie was on her deathbed. Sadness reigned, mitigated only by the stuffing of Easter eggs into her sad little pie-hole. Little L processed her emotions more artistically, with a poem that said so little, and yet so much.

An ode to Goldie

I realised a ceremony was in order, to help with the processing (and to buy me some time for tank cleaning and new fish purchasing). Goldie was buried on a sunny autumn day in a perfect Goldie-sized coffin in the garden, under a blanket of crayon rainbows. Words were said, like ‘Goldie was a good fish. She was a very good swimmer. She can swim in heaven now with Kobi.’ I let go the part where cats don’t like swimming with fish, because who knows? Maybe they LOVE swimming in heaven. And I didn’t take photos, because hello? Respect for the dead?

Now we have Pinkie. Little A is satisfied that Blackie isn’t sad anymore. Little L, however, wants a fish that ‘swims by itself’. I pointed to the tank, SPEECHLESS. ‘No, I mean, one of those pretend ones that go in water and swim around.’

Pinky the usurper

When I recovered I realised she’s on to something. (Block your ears Herbie). I only wish shed been struck by her lightning bolt of petspiration the day BEFORE I’d purchased Pinky. I guess it’s not a hugely long-term commitment we’ve made though. You know tank fish. They’re here for a good time, not a long time.

Lulu agrees with Little L’s epiphanic statement on the benefits of robopets. (Until she annoys me, and then I switch her off, with the switch under her fluffy little white cat’s bum. At this point she doesn’t need to agree nor disagree. In fact, she can even be sat on without objection. She needs no food, no water (in fact… sparks may fly), but only a gentle stroking to keep her mewling and purring contentedly.

Lulu – the way of the future?

All the ponies in pony castle agree with with this notion of future Robopet ownership, pursuing a lively debate on the topic as baby and baby daddy prepare their evening meal like good slaves in the kitchen below. We all know they get up to no good once we’ve gone to bed, putting on their Prince music and dancing like it’s 1999. Not all ponies can rock a tiara and high hair plait like that.

“All the kids in the pony castle say ‘waaay ooooh wayyy ohhh, walk like a robo-peeeet’”

Little L’s ‘my little pet pony’ on the iPod does NOT agree with me because she keeps killing it, regularly. It’s fundamentally flawed though. What kind of fake pet needs food?

I’m kind of on the fence here. You know how I feel about my dog Herbie. But the rest? If they ran on batteries (ooooh or photovoltaic cells – environmentally friendly AND not annoying FTW! ) I think I’d be pretty happy. So, I guess robo-menagerie it is.

What do you think is the way of the future for pets? Real or fake? Do you want to switch your pets (or children) off?

*sewage treatment plant

14 thoughts on “Live from Pet Cemetery – Robopets, the way of the future?

  1. I totally invented Fur Real cats, though they may have had a different name and may have never left the drawing board of my mind. But my husband can attest to the part where I said BUT WHO WILL BUILD IT FOR ME? Then gave up and kept doing whatever I was doing. But I need animals that poop. It’s just not the same, if they don’t make their own stinky trails/pellets/chokitos.
    Twitchy recently posted…Average is a Dirty WordMy Profile

    • You, my dear, are a genius. You can keep your poo scooping. It totally makes me gag. Pellets are fine, but my dog the size of a horse? Ugh.

  2. I think you’re on to something. As much as I love all the pets of youth, I’m just not up to philosophising over life and death to my little ones. A dead battery on the other hand is something we all can handle. :-)
    Aleney recently posted…School of chocMy Profile

    • Tell me about it. I’m SO tired of discussing what happens in heaven. YES you can play your iPad in heaven. YES you can have trampolines. AGH. Batteries. All the way. ;)

  3. Oh god yes! *she says wiping cold cat hairball vomit from her delicate foot*.
    Now if you will excuse me, Ey must gew and attend to mah pussy, it gets terrible cooold you know.
    That was for Brenda.

  4. We had to say goodbye to our little fish, Fossil Fred, he got stuck in the air vent hole in the model train toy we had in the tank and drowned. We will be buying a new one shortly and his name is already decided….Ned Kelly. RIP fishy fish fish.

  5. Electronics and felines? I know you know where I want to take this. I’ll just say that if Mrs Slocombe was with us, surely she would have one. Thanks for allowing me to lower the tone once again.
    mumabulous recently posted…Great Scott!My Profile

    • Ah, Brenda. And here I thought you’d have something to extract from those wicked looking ponies. Mrs Slocombe’s spirit is alive and well :)

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