I’ve had millions of forehead-smacking moments over the past few months and years so I thought it was time I shared. If you can nod and agree to similar acts of insanity, it may be time that you, too, found yourself the nearest bed. Get thee horizontal. Stat.
I’m so tired right now I feel the need to say it again in italian, for emphasis. Sono stanco morta. Got that? That man and I are going out on a date tonight – which is VERY exciting, given it’s about the first night out alone in close to two months. The best part? Sleepovers, which mean we get to come home and have sleep, which, as you know, is sex for married people.
I know things are reaching critical mass when any or all of the below top 10 WARNING! WARNING! moments occur:
1. You meet someone on the street and get trapped in the conversation greeting loop. Awkwardness ensues:
‘Hi, how are you?’
‘Good. How are you?’
‘Pretty good thanks. How are you going?’
2. You have a shower. You wash your hair. You get out. Oddly, your hair feels gross all day. Either:
a) you forgot to wash the shampoo out
b) You washed your hair only with conditioner
OR: you wash your hair, then you try to comb it and get stuck with a comb that you can’t remove from your matted seaweed kelp-like tresses. Classic error. You shampooed twice instead of conditioning.
3. You put on your kid’s dressing gown that was hanging behind the bathroom door because it looks just like yours, and instead of realising you’re an idiot, you get really upset at yourself for shrinking a whole load of clothes in the wash.
4. You sprinkle coffee instead of brown sugar on your kids’ porridge. You will pay for this.
5. You put stinking dirty gym clothes into the dryer instead of the front loader for washing, and wonder why they smell so very bad when they come out all hot 30 mins later.
6. You do a Kelly (from Handmade Tears and Triumphs) – thanks Kel! and wear your undies inside out. You may or may not notice this before the end of the day. Are you wearing your bra backwards too? Then you are REALLY in trouble. You might need some kind of retreat or holiday.
7. You throw the clothes in the bin instead of the washing basket.
8. You put the potato and carrot peels in the dishwasher instead of the bin.
9. Finally, you are OUT. You’ve bought a coffee. You are sorely disappointed when it tastes horrible. You return it, claiming the milk must be off, though they promise it’s within date, and your friend’s tastes fine. Ten minutes later, you realise you’ve added salt, rather than sugar to your beverage.
10. Laryngitis. You know that song ‘I can sing a rainbow?’ Listen with your eyes, listen with your eyes…. In this case, however, you parent with your eyes, and dance everything you feel. This works AWESOMELY – like crap. Should parenting really be a verb anyway? Blah blah, polka dot polka dot, chocolate doona.
I have done all of these things (except the bra). I’m not ashamed. What’s more important is that we hold our heads high, own our face-falls, and know that, “I may be indigent in name, position, and in appearance, but in my own mind I am an unrivaled goddess.”
We are all gods and goddesses. We just need a little more sleep.
[Quote – Muriel Barbery – The Elegance of the Hedgehog]
[Photo credit: Patricia Alvarez in Kath Fries’s art installation, 'Clothe the Wold and Meet the Sky' 2011; CNN.com - Eatocracy; Pinterest]