When desperate housewives mow the lawn

You’ve all heard of the kept woman. Well, today I’m turning that old adage on its head. I’ve decided I’m keeping a man. Obviously not in an economic sense. Otherwise I’d be growing him accustomed to a cardboard box kind of style, for drinking as well as sleeping arrangements. Happily I have freelance employment keeping me busy right now,but that alone will hardly allow me to be keeping That Man in any style close to Gangnam.

In our street, there are some marked similarities to Lynette Scavo and Susan Mayer, and even a Bree Van der Kamp living over the road (but nobody likes her much). There are a multitude of kids running around, and we are somewhat desperate. I only have two kids, but I am claiming to be Lynette, much as I’d prefer to be… actually… none of them really appeal that much. Instead of meeting over coffee, however, we meet, curbside, over our LAWNMOWERS. You heard me. I am a bit awesome for mowing the lawn, I admit, but I also admit to being very bad at it. I have mown the concrete before now. This doesn’t matter however. I’m a chick mowing the lawn and that gets me KUDOS.

Gabby – I hear you. It’s tough being a lawn-mowing babe. I prefer boots.

If it’s not the lawnmowers, it the garbage bins. Monday evening, I often find my buddy over the road trying to stuff one more pizza box into her recycling bin, and like a good neighbour I let her pop it in mine. We have bum-offs while we weed our front patches. Both of our gardens are admittedly crap. We’re just trying to hold the crap at bay, to prevent full-blown jungledom.

I’m not whingeing, however. OH no. Men are remarkably useful creatures, and I’ve decided to give you my top 10 list of reasons why I like to keep mine around. I’ve put it in easily printable point-form, in case you need to stick it in your handbag, to remind yourself why they’re useful.

10 REASONS TO KEEP A MAN

ONE: They can keep you warm. Not them, personally, but their jumpers. Women’s jumpers suck. Men’s jumpers are big, wooly, and made of wool. Woman jumpers are thin, short, and often not made of wool, and if they are, it is so fine you need to wear three of them to get any kind of effect. Obviously, if you get rid of the man, you will likely lose the jumpers too.

TWO: They can teach you things in more fun ways than YouTube or the ‘Blahblah for Dummies’ series of books. Case in point: You ask about hammering nails into things, they then demonstrate by hammering nails into their thumbs. Endlessly amusing.

THREE: They can drink twice as much as you and still drive home. This allows you to drink three times as much as THEM and still get to sleep in your own bed. I do love my bed.

FOUR: They make you feel all delicate and ladylike if you ever accidentally burp, because nothing that comes out of your mouth will EVER compare to the monstrosity of their emissions.

FIVE: Same with chocolate, but in, not out. No amount you eat will ever compare to the enormity of their consumption (or is that just the one I have?)

SIX: You have an excuse to watch all the Avenger, X-Men, Iron Man, Thor and other action/superhero movies for perv factor alone, while still accruing bonus points for watching a ‘guy movie’. THEN you get to choose a rom-com the next time with your bonus points. Win-win.

This picture is completely gratuitous. I can’t pretend otherwise.

SEVEN: Cuddles. They’re just not the same with a pillow/dog/child. Big man arms must be involved.

EIGHT: Light entertainment. Nothing is more amusing than watching the determined will and concentration on a man’s face as he teaches a small girl how to cast spells in the Barbie WII game. Cast out the witch! Throw a rainbow! Catch a unicorn! Do a mermaid shimmy! A plie! GO! NOW DADDY NOW OR I’M GOING TO CRY A LOT!

NINE: They put beer in the fridge, and on the VERY odd occasion I feel like one, like, once every 9 weeks, there is one right there for me.

TEN: Crap. I’m out of reasons.*

xx

*PS. Please note that this post is to be read with your tongue planted in your cheek, as is mine. I really do quite like men. They are nice. And warm. And smell good and stuff.

[Photo credit: Peter “Hopper” Stone/ABC/Getty Images]

45 thoughts on “When desperate housewives mow the lawn

  1. I’m in awe! You’re a better woman than me… I draw the line at mowing. I do however love bin night *clutter freak*
    Love all your reasons. Can I also add, they kill stuff? Highly useful.

    • Ha thanks – but nothing to be in awe of. I do it very,very badly, with much complaint. I do love the killing stuff reason. Spiders I’ll do, but snakes? Ugh.

  2. Yours smells good? I’m jealous! Mine spends half his life in the gym, so between the sweat and the protein-shake induced farts I’m almost wishing I could lose my sense of smell! But I do agree about the Daddy playing with kiddies bit, makes me forget all about the horrible smell emanating from his arse for 20 mins!

    • Hmmm perhaps my dog has been drinking protein shakes on the sly?? Mine showers at the gym. And then I bitch about all the towels I have to wash!!

  3. I’ve just found you via The Illiterate Infant, and I’m so very glad I did! This post made me giggle a lot, and will be referred to on several Husband-hating days to come I suspect!!

    That being said…. I boycot lawn mowing. I do EVERYTHING else (quite literally) so he can mow the damn lawn….and if it takes a tickle under the chin from the grass to point this out, I’m kind of OK with that :-P

  4. Love it Kim! I have mown the lawn a total of three times. I like having a man around because I am lazy and he does everything I can’t be bothered to do, like the washing up. And cuddles are good.
    Sent here by Kevin at the Illiterate Infant. :)

    • Wow Zanni – sounds like you’ve hit the man jackpot! I might try just making a list of ‘jobs I hate’ and see if anything happens… ;) Cant beat those cuddles though. Not tradeable. Thanks for coming to visit. Xx

  5. LOL. Just found you through the Illiterate Infant. Glad I did!
    I love a good man jumper too … they really are different that ladies. But they have to have been worn by a man first. Buying a mans jumper for yourself just isn’t the same …
    Cheers
    Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit

  6. Pingback: Caught my eye Friday – Desperate housewives and doting Dads | the illiterate infant

  7. Sometimes I need reminding why men are good to have around! I had to giggle at your list. 10 would have to be for lifting heavy stuff :) ps. Mowing is my job in this household too

  8. Hahahaha! Love it!

    I find my man very useful… I do like the brownie point system… except when it doesn’t work in my favour… Like when he can buy all new run kit and shoes on line and I have no leg to stand on as I had a weekend away with the girls that cost way more than he spent!

    It all balances out in the end though…

    Thanks for sharing!

    B from #teamIBOT

  9. Haha, love it. Thanks for the chuckles!
    And no. 6, I never looked at it that way. I don’t mind action movies so that’s what we usually watch. Clearly I need to pull out the old “I’ve watched 20 of your choices in a row – my turn!” routine.

    • I quite like them too, but it’s definitely worthwhile keeping the points for when you’re in the mood for something officially ‘girly’. ‘P.S. I Love You’ is a big points-user (and equally high on perv-value, if you like men with Irish accents YES to the HELL YES over here)

  10. too funny kim, thats gold. i love watching daddies play too, having boys it means that i never have to do any car-related track building… train tracks fine, the wood is easy to work with, but get those plastic, noise-making car things away from me! xxx

  11. ahhh light entertainment… like when Daddy had a birthday party with teddy and all his friends on the wekend for over an hour… or when daddy couldn’t walk the day after little miss 2.5 got a trampoline for christmas and they bounced toegther for an hour and a half ;-)

    • Awww Kev – watching daddies play is the best thing on the list. Especially if you can pull it out on video at your daughter’s 21st. :) Thanks for coming to visit!

  12. You are so right on about the action film thing. Dadabulous has no idea about why I was so keen to see Prometheus. My number one reason for keeping Dadabulous around is on demand IT support 24/7.

  13. Sometimes I try to be Bree, but in reality I’m more of a Lynette. Huge kudos for mowing the lawn!
    You forgot bugs and spiders. I need a man for bugs and spiders.
    By the way, did you hear a meet-up is being organised for Feb 9?
    Xx

    • I quit the Bree thing a long time ago. I’m rubbish. NO! Didn’t know about the 9th – thanks! I’m in – I’m turning 35 the next day so will need hand-holding.(And possibly other medicinal remedies) xx

  14. My husband is a very useful heater. It’s winter here in Canada and his presence in the bed is definitely saving us money on the utility bill. I love your #10!

    Visiting from IBOT.

    • Unicorns are VERY important. Sometimes we have to be unicorns, and sometimes we can just play with them. Ordinary horses just don’t cut it. There’s a very cheesy and weird 80s movie called ‘The Last Unicorn’ that my girls are obsessed with (that I hate). Everything that was wrong with animation and stereotypes and all those other things back then.

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