You’ve all heard of the kept woman. Well, today I’m turning that old adage on its head. I’ve decided I’m keeping a man. Obviously not in an economic sense. Otherwise I’d be growing him accustomed to a cardboard box kind of style, for drinking as well as sleeping arrangements. Happily I have freelance employment keeping me busy right now,but that alone will hardly allow me to be keeping That Man in any style close to Gangnam.
In our street, there are some marked similarities to Lynette Scavo and Susan Mayer, and even a Bree Van der Kamp living over the road (but nobody likes her much). There are a multitude of kids running around, and we are somewhat desperate. I only have two kids, but I am claiming to be Lynette, much as I’d prefer to be… actually… none of them really appeal that much. Instead of meeting over coffee, however, we meet, curbside, over our LAWNMOWERS. You heard me. I am a bit awesome for mowing the lawn, I admit, but I also admit to being very bad at it. I have mown the concrete before now. This doesn’t matter however. I’m a chick mowing the lawn and that gets me KUDOS.
If it’s not the lawnmowers, it the garbage bins. Monday evening, I often find my buddy over the road trying to stuff one more pizza box into her recycling bin, and like a good neighbour I let her pop it in mine. We have bum-offs while we weed our front patches. Both of our gardens are admittedly crap. We’re just trying to hold the crap at bay, to prevent full-blown jungledom.
I’m not whingeing, however. OH no. Men are remarkably useful creatures, and I’ve decided to give you my top 10 list of reasons why I like to keep mine around. I’ve put it in easily printable point-form, in case you need to stick it in your handbag, to remind yourself why they’re useful.
10 REASONS TO KEEP A MAN
ONE: They can keep you warm. Not them, personally, but their jumpers. Women’s jumpers suck. Men’s jumpers are big, wooly, and made of wool. Woman jumpers are thin, short, and often not made of wool, and if they are, it is so fine you need to wear three of them to get any kind of effect. Obviously, if you get rid of the man, you will likely lose the jumpers too.
TWO: They can teach you things in more fun ways than YouTube or the ‘Blahblah for Dummies’ series of books. Case in point: You ask about hammering nails into things, they then demonstrate by hammering nails into their thumbs. Endlessly amusing.
THREE: They can drink twice as much as you and still drive home. This allows you to drink three times as much as THEM and still get to sleep in your own bed. I do love my bed.
FOUR: They make you feel all delicate and ladylike if you ever accidentally burp, because nothing that comes out of your mouth will EVER compare to the monstrosity of their emissions.
FIVE: Same with chocolate, but in, not out. No amount you eat will ever compare to the enormity of their consumption (or is that just the one I have?)
SIX: You have an excuse to watch all the Avenger, X-Men, Iron Man, Thor and other action/superhero movies for perv factor alone, while still accruing bonus points for watching a ‘guy movie’. THEN you get to choose a rom-com the next time with your bonus points. Win-win.
SEVEN: Cuddles. They’re just not the same with a pillow/dog/child. Big man arms must be involved.
EIGHT: Light entertainment. Nothing is more amusing than watching the determined will and concentration on a man’s face as he teaches a small girl how to cast spells in the Barbie WII game. Cast out the witch! Throw a rainbow! Catch a unicorn! Do a mermaid shimmy! A plie! GO! NOW DADDY NOW OR I’M GOING TO CRY A LOT!
NINE: They put beer in the fridge, and on the VERY odd occasion I feel like one, like, once every 9 weeks, there is one right there for me.
TEN: Crap. I’m out of reasons.*
*PS. Please note that this post is to be read with your tongue planted in your cheek, as is mine. I really do quite like men. They are nice. And warm. And smell good and stuff.
[Photo credit: Peter “Hopper” Stone/ABC/Getty Images]