Dirty little secrets

Don’t be afraid. This post is rated PG.


Does your partner leave you little love notes? Bring home your favourite chocolate, even though he doesn’t like the one with nuts in it? Let you sit and cry through P.S. I Love You because you’re feeling a little hormonal, even though the rugby’s on?

Nope? Don’t worry – neither does mine. I’ll tell you what he DOES send me though. Delightful little audio files, sent to my email inbox, recording me snoring in the early morning.

That’s right. My name’s Kim and I snore. The secret is out and I’m ashamed no more. In fact, I’m even going to share this musical confection with you. I’m sure you’ll take great pleasure in listening to the dulcet tones of my peaceful slumber. Listen here to my sweet snore.

I was very offended the first time he did this, I admit. But now I’m actually pretty pleased, for two reasons.

HAVE I GONE MAD? Why, yes, yes I have. Thank you for asking. But I will also attempt to explain.

  1. I clench my teeth in my sleep, and wear a mouth guard/splint/sex deterrent to bed each night to try and stop me chipping off little pieces of tooth and waking up with a more chiselled smile than the one I presently own. Chiselled teeth, I’m hoping, will come into fashion in 2021 and everyone will be hacking little pieces off theirs, trying to achieve the kind of natural beauty I possess. This mouthguard keeps my teeth in, but it doesn’t stop me from attempting to bite the splint itself in two many, many nights, and I wake up with incredible headaches and jaw pain. What does this have to do with snoring? Not much, except the fact that I was making this noise means I couldn’t have had my teeth glued together, and must have been in a deep, peaceful sleep. Probably with my mouth open. Yay me!
  2. Rather than thinking that 1 (mouthguard) + 2 (snoring) = 3 (I am now so unsexy I’ll be thrown out of bed), I have decided to view this in a positive light, as an ACT OF LOVE. This IS A LOVE NOTE, in audio form. Really!! HOW? Ok, you know when you’re travelling (back, back in the distant yonder, when we were untethered and had no shackles) and you see something incredible like the sun setting over the Aegean Sea, or the chic perfection of Paris, or the perfect ridiculousness of a ‘child seat’ on a moped in Thailand being a wicker chair roped on in front of the driver’s seat? What’s the first thing you do? You bash your ‘someone’ in the arm and say ‘Look at that!’ Share this with me! You do the same with a funny joke, probably, or if something odd has happened to you on the way home from work that day. So, no, my snoring is not majestic nor chic, but I like to think That Man wanted to wake me up to say ‘Listen to you snoring! How funny!’ Except, of course, that wouldn’t have worked. So, this audio file was the next best thing.

And that, my friends, is why my snoring email is its own bizarre love note.