Pretty Woman has all the answers – there is no question.

Lunch with a friend a couple of weeks ago, reminiscing about old times in the workplace, brought me to reminiscing about old times with Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. A tenuous connection you say? Hardly. My friend made the comparison between me and Julia. Not so much for my ability to look awesome at the polo, my luscious red locks, or my ability to snare Richard Gere… Sorry EDWARD. I keep forgetting they weren’t real. It’s probably a good thing as he’d also have been drawing attention to my prostitution-like tendencies and I’d have been forced to stand up all haughty-like and say ‘Big mistake. HUGE.’ before flouncing out, and I really was enjoying my food.

Big mistake. HUGE.

 

There we were, slurping the most MIRACULOUS chilly-soupy-delicious dumplings from Din Tai Fung from Cafe Court at Star Casino (the home of other such delights as Momofuku, baby Flying Fish, Adriano Zumbo… getting distracted? So was I), when one of those soupy morsels decided, without prior warning, to disgorge itself into my lap. He said it was very Pretty Woman, bringing to mind the scene where she flung her snails across the dining room while trying to ‘do manners’. But you know what else? I was channelling Vivian that day, and I won. I was wearing short white shorts, and soup wipes very quickly and easily off legs. Off white pants? Not so much. So – do as Vivian would do – wear legs, not pants. They’re easier to keep clean.

‘Shit I wish someone would swap these for some dumplings…’

In my thinking room this morning, while I washed my hair, I got to thinking that Vivian could actually be a very helpful muse in many a situation where a creative approach is needed for a potential awkward situation. So I now say to myself – ‘WHAT WOULD JULIA (WHO IS REALLY VIVIAN SINCE NOT REAL AND STUFF) DO’? And, to make this quicker to say when I’m choosing which coloured undies, I say ‘What would Vivulia do?’

This short skirt? Vivulia says NOOOOO.

For example, say you’re invited to a social gathering at a house where you know only the host. As we all know, the host will be unable to even smile at you, so run off their feet will they be preparing hors d’ouevres and shouting at their husband to stop chatting and make sure people have drinks. So this is a potentially terrifying situation (if you’re me). What would Vivulia do? She would go to the bottle shop (since it’s a BYO gathering), and find a bottle WITH A CORK. I know. Talking point already, right? Then, when she gets to the party, she needs to seek help finding a corkscrew to open said bottle of wine. She can share said wine as thanks for assistance, and has the ‘THIS WINE HAS A CORK I DON’T BELIEVE IT’ fascinating topic of conversation as a starter. Vivulia is a genius. I like her.

Going back for a minute to the topic of ‘hors d’ouevres’ and ‘memes’ (yes, they’re connected. Shut up) Vivulia has a solution also to these pesky words that we’ve read often but heard said spoken aloud very seldom. I’ll tell you a story. When I was a wee bairn of 11ish, I had read ALL the books. I had read about hors d’ouevres approximately fifty-ten million times. However, nobody had ever said it aloud. The time I ventured to try, with my ‘horrrrs devoooors’ I elicited such tears of laughter I vowed I wouldn’t take such risks again before thinking it through carefully. The word ‘meme’, people. Am I the only imbecile who feels strangely about this word? I think it’s pronounced ‘meeeem’ like ‘queen’, but no way in hell am I risking it with my mouth. It could also be ‘me-me’ like a very self-centred person, or someone doing vocal warmups, but could equally be all Frenchy and ‘meme’, like ‘phlegm’. What would Vivulia do? She would know exactly what she was talking about, but would accidentally (on purpose) just forget that name for the ‘thing’ she was talking about, forcing somebody ELSE to come out and say the word for her. Cowardly? Perhaps. But smart. Vivs has streetsmarts.

Vivulia also wants to know if you’re too tired for sex, dear readers? She knows what to do. She bamboozled Edward with ALL the condom colours of the rainbow. Pink, purple, leapard print, astroturf (I may have made that up. I may be on to something there though.) until he was struck dumb. Do a Viv, kids, but offer your million and one varieties all in an XXL. Sweet dreams, ladies. But don’t thank me, thank Vivulia.

You know what? This might all sound a little bit trite, and a little bit anti-feminist. But don’t forget, at the end of the movie? She rescues him right back. Vivulia, FTW!

xx

32 thoughts on “Pretty Woman has all the answers – there is no question.

    • Aww. Are there lots of ‘mans’ in the phonebook? Or are you ‘that’ one? If you are, you bloody should like those white shorts. They do what they say on the jar. They be short.

  1. I always thought it was pronounced meeem but have no idea what the word actually means! Is it a real word or is it made up? Vivulia please shed some light on this subject for all us mere mortals!
    PS eternally indebted to Vivulia for the “Get out of sex free advice”! I don’t ever do that *cough* but had a friend who was asking….
    Rachel recently posted…Fridays on my mindMy Profile

    • Vivulia says it’s pronounced ‘meeem’ like ‘queeen’ and it is, in fact, a proper (BULLSH*$(*IT BULLSH@(*T RIDICULOUS) word. It means a picture with words at the top and bottom, that are funny. Ha. This is my own definition. I think the Oxford English Dictionary should offer me a job.
      Vivulia likes to help. She has also seen bacon condoms on the market, and that was enough to scare her into creating her sage and well-considered advice for the masses. Tell “your friend” they’re welcome.

  2. I remember being told once that even if you’re unsure of how a word is pronounced, if you say it with confidence people will that is the way it’s pronounced and think they are saying it wrong.

    • HA Grace you’ve no idea HOW many times I’ve said that to my girls when they’ve flung bits of their dinner across the room accidentally. (Because, seriously, this happens every other day, amiright?) :)

    • Tell me about it – the cork removal was always such an indelicate operation. My fingers never seemed quite long enough (or the wine in my glass was too short?) I’m just sad because I remember drinking in ‘cork days’ so it dates me HUGELY to the future generation. Must move countries. STAT.

    • Me too. Am a teeny bit obsessive I suspect, given i wanted to be a hooker when I grew up. (JOKES!) No, really. (NO! JOKES!) Because that is a very unhealthy line of work and nobody gets to listen to Prince in the bath and look that cute doing it.

  3. I always thought it was “me-me” pronounced sort of frenchie style. But someone corrected me one – turns out its all some post modern literary criticism thigamy! You know how I love post modernity.
    Also my mum used to think haphazard was pronounced “hafazard” with the emPHAsis on the last syllable.
    Titter!

    • YEAH! Post-modernism!! I too am utterly obsessed with post-modernism, the zeitgeist and deconstructing the dominant discourse. Those uni days – oh they’ve improved me so. I prefer ‘me-me’ – sounds much cuter. Let’s just call it that inside our heads ok? Nobody will EVER know…
      Your mum. Bloody love her. She always makes me titter.

  4. Hi, I think I’ve just stumbled across your blog for the first time and you had me laughing along! I love Pretty Woman and knew every part you were referring to – it still irks me that Richard Gere said he doesn’t want to be associated with this movie! Hello?! This movie (and An Officer and a Gentleman) are surely his only claims to fame!! He thinks he’s too good for Vivulia! Pftt! Feel free to come and link this post up over on my blog – I host Flashback Friday every week :)
    Cathy recently posted…Flashback Friday – 1986 Rugby League Grand FinalMy Profile

    • Cathy! Thanks for finding me. I was too disorganised and driving nonstop for the rest of Friday but will link up next time I’m on-topic (meanwhile I will stalk you for a little bit. In a NON-creepy way of course). :) As for Richard Gere – he needs to pull his head (and gerbils and whatever else is still hanging around up there) out of the sitting end.

  5. Firstly, I am the worst at pronouncing words, and as an Ethics teacher, I had to tell the story of Gyges. I asked the other teacher how to say it and we settled on a pronounciation. In the last lesson, I accidently handed one kid the teacher note instead of the scenario questions and it HAD THE OFFICIAL pronunciation spelt out (which somehow both of us had missed). It was pointed out to the class that I’d been saying it wrong for 3 weeks. Old lady 0: 10 year old 1.
    But the big thing, I LOVE the food court at the Casino – I live there at the moment. Din Tai Fung followed by Coconut lychee ice cream at Messina. Everything else is a waste of time. The kids and my favourite place!
    (as for pretty woman, no guns, no one blows sh*t up, no need for me to watch it)
    (but I do like in Arrested Development when Charlize does her impersonation of it – hilarious!)

    • TOO much with the funny dear Lydia – Gyges … is now pickiing my brain. I’m thinking, like ‘lychees’ but with a ‘j’ in the middle? Kids being right AND pointing it out. Its disgusting. This week? I”m in a guns and blowing stuff up movie mood. Dead keen (i say this in very small letters to hide my shame) to see the new Tom Cruise movie coming out – it has all the stuff I like best.

  6. We have an uncorking gizmo – it is great conversational starter. Particularly for engineering type dudes who want to master such a complex piece of machinery. Did I ever mention that I love engineering type dudes?
    My favorite line from Pretty Woman V: “Don’t you just love Prince?”
    E: ” More than life itself”. (Because I do love Prince, I just don’t talk about it much).
    mumabulous recently posted…Teen AbulousMy Profile

    • I bet you did, you dirty bitch. (NO! I’m not being rude. I’m quoting the delightful Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones. OBVIOUSLY). Because I am polite and have manners and stuff.

  7. It’s pronouced Meem, like stream. I hate saying words I don’t know outloud too. I usually do the whole self deprecating move and say ‘oh my god I feel so silly but I don’t even know what that word is’. Damsel in distress eat your heart out!
    Tegan recently posted…Woo!My Profile

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