Pop quiz – What’s your drinking curse?

You may not realise this, but every one of us is cursed. I will attempt to esplanade. The wicked fairy godmother came to our cots when we were wee sleeping bairns, and placed a curse on each and every one of us. A curse which will only emerge, revealing its wicked and evil cackling head, once we have imbibed well above the recommended 2 standard drinks per day. The curse, ye who be damned, of the drinking. What’s yours? If you don’t know, ask your partner or your bestie. They will be sure to tell you, in lurid, shameful, embarrassing detail. Here I’ll outline some of the more common profiles of the drinking cursed.

The singer

You’re in the bar. You spot the stage. You spot the microphone. You’re awesome. You need to be heard. You have songs to sing, of love, and loss. Of power, and glory. Oh yeah!  You reach the stage. You grab the microphone. It’s not karaoke night. It doesn’t matter. You’re in the moment. Reaching. Ever reaching. It must have be loooooove, but its oooover noooooow. Then falling. From the table.

This surely could not be me. It’s some random person called ‘Bride’.

The Lover/Flirt

A normal person by day, the curse turns this one into the ultimate seducer/seductress (in their own mind). Some do have remarkable skill, honed by years of practice, while others, blinded by the light, blink once, blink twice, and hope for words of grace and allure to slip forth from their gilded tongue. It sounds something like ‘blah blah me blor I me blor’. They shut up, and dance. They’re good. They’re really good. Nevermind that nobody can tell what good looks like anymore. Things start to look better for the lover.

Social warrior

A superhero without a cape, out to avenge the underdogs of the world and right the wrongs of the community, starting at a micro level, this cursed drinker needs EVERYONE to be on board. Are you listening? Are you? That’s ok. I’ll tell this person instead. OH NO! That poor guy is over there with his undies hanging out and hat on. He’ll NEVER get a girl looking like that. It’s your social – nay MORAL responsibility to do something about this, for the good of our future children, and our children’s children. And what about those bottles left out there? They’ll make their way into our oceans! And what about the whales? And the  orphans? And why can’t we adopt them? The whales? And the orphans?

 Fighter

The antithesis of the lover, they’re sure you looked at them. You did, didn’t you? You looked at them funny. You must have meant something by it. What do you want? You got a problem? Paranoia lives here, in this sadly cursed drinker. If they’re not a lone wolf, fighting  out at shadows, they’re in a couple, bickering and lashing out at perceived slights. You looked at that girl with the tiny arse over there, didn’t you? You’ve been staring at her all night. You may as well just get it over with and deliver her babies on the dance floor already. Hurry up.

Various Dwarf-named type people – Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Floppy

Sleepy

Speaks for itself. Sleeps a lot. In most places. Head on table, on bar, on hands, or back, looking up at the sky, mouth catching flies.

Happy

The goshdarn cheeriest, smiliest, giggliest person you have EVER seen touch a drop of alcohol, ever. Like a rainbow of colour, or a bowl of Skittles. In fact… I’m not sure this one is even a curse, except that it usually seems to have an antithesis, the following morning, when the ogre from hell arises from the bed-swamp with the hangover of 20 men.

I would never, ever dance on a table in heels. That’s just silly. It’s that person called ‘Bride’ again.

Dopey

Don’t play cards with this one. Dopey drinks the drinks, then is rendered generally unable to focus on fixed objects, follow general conversations, dance sensible dance moves like ‘the sprinkler’ or the ‘ring on it’ move, and can utter only one monosyllabic word: ‘Huh?’

Floppy

Like a foal with newfound legs, this curse often strikes the long-limbed newborn drinking cursed among us. They can be found tottering and teetering in skyscraping heels, and rendered jelly-like by the rubbermaking effects of alcopop number three.  You could offer your steady arm, or you could just point and laugh.

 

You regularly see these out in heels on a Saturday night

Which one of these are you? Which one of these am I? (Note: I’ve made this really, really difficult for you.) Are you extra blessed – with a happy super-combo of curses – are you in fact a happy-sleepy-flirty fighter?

Stay tuned. I’m going out this Saturday night for a LONG overdue escape from the kid-factory. I’m sure nothing untoward will happen. And if it does, I’ll be sure to not write about it. Ahem…

xx

21 thoughts on “Pop quiz – What’s your drinking curse?

  1. A little bit from column A, and B, and C, and D… hehehe. My Big Bro will testify that in cases of extreme inebriation, I have my own language. I’m yet to hear it though, because sadly, I’m also a blackout drunk, and rarely remember a single thing!
    xx
    Kelly HTandT recently posted…12 months on…My Profile

  2. You crack me up, girl! Every. Single. Time!
    I am definitely the Singer. Give me the microphone, any time. In fact, I will knock out the others, to get to the microphone and up on stage. Never on a table with heels, though. :)
    Grace recently posted…FYBF – Bloggy RoyaltyMy Profile

  3. Definitely happy, followed by singy. Can pull fighty out of the closet if I have to, but only in defence of friends. Drunks hear my Weegie accent and start trying to get me riled sometimes. Too old, too tired for their shit, but will still hand the jewellery to a friend to hold if needs must :D (Have a friend form a small town in Tassie who punched a girl in the face and left a distinctive ring mark on the cheek, which was traced to her the next day. I like to think I learn from the mistakes of others! Plus, don’t want to damage the diamonds…) Joking about the fighting bit. (…mostly…)

    Discovered the joys of karaoke almost exactly 5 years ago at a pal’s birthday celebration. Trembled like a leaf in the wind the first time I got up. Now, ye cannae get me off the thing except when I am forcing all and sundry to join in :)
    Oculus Mundi recently posted…the oculus mundi method of drinking. or, a saturday night in brisbane with the usual suspects.My Profile

      • Haha see? You’re social warrior too – you need to spread the joy of karaoke to all who have not experienced the passion! Red hair and an accent… I think they made a Pixar movie of you recently, did they not?

    • Ha! Yes, a much older, chunkier version perhaps. Shite with the bow and arrow but will give the claymore a go :) My hair is a charming mixture of brown, silver and whatever wash in wash out thing I happened to put through it this week! Plus that lassie’s accent has always done my head in, right from when I first saw her in Trainspotting. She has that posh Edinburgh thing going on, time was when the likes of her got their coal delivered in sex :D (…posh Scots for sacks…)

      Totally want to spread the Karaoke joy. Every New Year’s Eve I have more converts at my house, might even tape it this New Year and share it with you all :) (Says she in a threatening manner…)
      Oculus Mundi recently posted…stung on the nipple twice, and other tragic talesMy Profile

    • Not from what I’ve read Ness. I’ll ply you with alcohol and give you a table to stand on. You’ll be amazed at your hidden talents I’m sure ;)

  4. Pre kids I was in the make a complete and utter arse of yourself in front of influential work colleagues category. All too frequently I could be filed under ” pick up completely inappropriate boyfriend perhaps influential work colleague”. Nowadays its just the embarrass yourself in front of blogging buddies ;-)
    mumabulous recently posted…Pros and ConsMy Profile

  5. Bahahahahahahahhahah!!!! Ah Kimbo… you make me larrrrf. I think I’m the social warrior/sleepy/dopey/head in the toilet kind of cursed. I need to test it out again though. Been too long. xx

    • I will be more than happy to escort you while you experiment. We’ll keep it scientific, of course.;) School holidays? Good. It’s a date xxx

    • Thanks mate! I’m going in flats, for while I jest, I’ve been known to be the floppy at times too. Even sober, at yoga, I got my legs tangled up the other day. Hopeless.

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