On rage, passion and the contacting of books

It’s just an ornery Sunday. No birds singing because the dog has tried to eat a couple of them and they have fled. (Flewd?) I am looking at my pile of homework for school, the pile of lovingly drawn upon exercise books x 13, and the Contact (I believe a registered TM shoud be inserted here, but I’m not doing Mr Contact any favours in this post so I’m taking the ballsy rage-filled move of leaving it OUT).

Not only am I filled with rage, but I’m also filled with the remnants of 2 magheritas, a caipiroska and an unquantified amount of French champagne from a hen’s bash last night. I could tell you I’m hungover, but my mother reads this blog, and a hangover happened the other weekend. Since I’m grown up now and Ive got responsibles, this time let’s just say I’m tired and thirsty. Come on. It was French!! It was important I compared and contrasted the nuances of Mumm vs Moët vs Salmon-billecart. Guess who wins? They ALL do! The French are the winners! Yay for the French!

I suspect Mr Contact, the inventor of The Stuff What One Uses to Stick Stuff On Books, does not come from a country as pleasurable as France. I think he comes from somewhere cold, where they like to stick things to other things, like tongues to telegraph poles, and hands to frozen taps, just for shits and giggles. I wrote him a letter since I don’t know how to whistle and I had to do something in my head while Tinkerbell was on and I contacted my day away.

In my madness, I discovered the stupid stuff is actually useful for non-surgical facelifts.

Check me out. No forehead wrinkles, and cheaper than Botox.

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Dear Mr Contact,

I hate you. Your product fills me with a degree of angry passion I reserve generally for things I feel passionate about in a positive way. You have made it on to my passion see saw. On one end, live men, words, beaches, wine, and cheese, and on the other end lives your stupid sticking on books product, and all the cold places in the world. Oh, and tinea.

Your product presents like a test. Why is there a grid? This isn’t help. It looks like some massive freaky maths test. Ugh. And why do all the hairs stick to your product? My daughter tells me she doesn’t like having hairy books. You and Mr Velcro need to sit down and have a little brainstorm about your shortfalls in this particular follicular area. I CAN’T KEEP FAILiNg LiKe THiS! I can’t keep feeling like an inadequate mother every time I put more bubbles on the surface that no amount of skewer-bursting will remove. My tears just roll off your uncaring plastic surfaces like they mean nothing.

It’s possible I’m feeling so intense about you today because of serious cheese withdrawal. Cheese is my crack. If I saw a cow right now there’s a chance I’d roll her for a good bit of milk. Going Dairy free is BULLSHIT Mr Contact. Did you know ice cream and chocolate is dairy? My life is basically over.
Freight now my luft hand and my faughter’s ice cream wrapper are stuck to the front of the book I’m covering in your product. What’s your remedy? How will you help me face a world with you stuck to me but no cheese in it??? Well??????

Hostilely yours,
Dairy-free Kim.

The dear Contact man has made it all ok. He sent me back this completely gratuitous photo to take my focus away from all the ice cream I’m not eating.

Dear hungry Kim,
I hope you like Beagles.
Sincerely,
Mr Contact

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I remain on the fence. I understand his existence is a necessary evil, but I’m going to have to outsource all the contact work to That Man next year. He’s gone to China, AGAIN. He must pay.

23 thoughts on “On rage, passion and the contacting of books

  1. A very clever piece of observational humour. I haven’t seen anything as funny for a while as a bored beagle lying next to a half naked man. Clearly you can see what the Beagle is thinking “WTF – You promised me a supermodel Mr. Contact!”

    Oh, and the other bits about contact. I totally agree. As for the alcohol – my motto has always been – A school project without a hangover isn’t worth doing”
    Mark @ fullhalfglass.com recently posted…Play Station? Xbox? Computer Games? – How About CHALK!My Profile

  2. Is that the bloke off Miranda? Tom something-or-other? Impressive. But back to business… yes, I noticed quite a few people offering to contact for a fee prior to school starting. It’s definitely a thing in the work-at-home-mum-business space. But, honestly, I’d rather go down a mine. We have been blessed with a pooled resources levy type of arrangement at school this year which means no book covering whatsoever. I missed it for about 17 seconds.
    Lara @ This Charming Mum recently posted…Boy bands, breasts and bandanasMy Profile

    • Yes indeedy. There is more than one awesome reason to watch Miranda. Really??? People are already into this contacting-as-business thing? The world has gone mad. I’ll join you down that mine. I’ll be the canary.

  3. The thing with contact is that I am so woefully crap at it. I am actually embarrassed at how the books look after I`m finished – not just bubbles but full on unsightly creases. Hours and hours of pain and suffering all for nothing. Well screw that – get the book covers and leave Mr Contact and his poor design behind you!
    Rachel recently posted…What the F%#k Friday – Happy New Year Edition!My Profile

    • He has short arms. Once you’ve noticed it, it’s impossible to un-notice it. I did appreciate his stellar performance in Magic Mike though :)

      • Haha yep I’m in this category of reader. (I think I read this blog too, kinda, in the proofing). Matthew Mc is one creepy dude. I wouldn’t want him making Contact anywhere near me, thank you!! To me he was even creepy in magic mike. Unlike, hmmm, his young protege. Dear, empty-headed Channing.

      • Agreed, when he was talking, he was super creepy. I was able to get past it when he was dancing though ;) Dear, dear Channing. Living proof that women are every bit as shallow as men.

  4. I LOVE Beagles! Seriously. I used to have one named Betsy. But I couldn’t help noticing that the dude was hawt too. Thought I’d just mention it because you probably didn’t notice. The person who invented contact should join the person who invented Lego and be banished somewhere where they both simultaneously cover books while stepping on Lego. It can be arranged I’m sure.
    Ness recently posted…The Topic Of TitlesMy Profile

    • Betsy is THE BEST doggie name ever! Can I resurrect it when we get our pup soon? Haha Ness you funny girl- I had completely failed to notice that sweet doggie’s hot escort. Thanks for pointing that out. Yes. Lego. Let’s stick the Lego man to the contact man, with bits of Lego attached, if the first scenario can’t be arranged.

  5. This was bloody hilarious :D Did you know you can buy slip on and off book covers, only for the two main sizes of exercise books, but at least it saves lots and lots of time and effort. Actually, I no longer give a shit anyway, and pretty much don’t cover anything. The kids no longer seem to care either and the school hasn’t complained so far. And wasn’t Mr Contact lovely to send you such a nice picture of a beagle? :D

    • I am so buying those covers! I’m at a written exam today and my phone’s about to die… I so should be on the blog at all, but THAnK YOU! Between mr contact sending me that beagle and this priceless info my day is made!

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