My day on a plate – ummm, without the plate

Being a helpful and thoughtful type, I am willing to share my insights into diet and lifestyle with you here, my dear reader, since Sunday Life has not yet seen fit to feature me in ‘My Day on a Plate’. Perhaps they’ll feature my daily intake post-humously, when my innovative ‘forager’ diet has received popular recognition, all too late, and I’m lying comfortably in the ground with worms eating my eyes.

Anyway, you guys get to read it here first, and be early adopters. The ‘foraging diet’ is borne through necessity, but it’s surprisingly easy to follow. Here’s my day as a forager.

6:30am: Awake. Check twitter, facebook, email. Get mad that I’ve wasted time. Fall asleep.

7:15: Awake. Make tea. White, very strong Assam bold with 1 sugar. Whoever thinks sugar is the devil is the devil. Moderation, my pets. 3 sugars? Bad. 1 sugar? Well, it’s better than 1 cigarette.

Race kids to eat breakfast, pack bags, get dressed, do hair, re-do hair, walk out door, come back to yell at second child who is changing into a different outfit instead of putting on shoes, leave for double dropoff. Kid 1 shoves a toast crust at me and says she doesn’t want it. Eat it.

10am: Get home. Very, very, very hungry. Hang clothes on line. Find cherry tomatoes in veggie patch. Eat them.

10:15: Find a pantry! Find a hot cross bun. Is this breakfast? Morning tea? Not sure. Eat bun standing up in kitchen while unpacking dishwasher and tidying up crap everywhere.

10:30 −11: Hang out more washing. Answer emails. Running late!

11:00: Find a mint in bottom of handbag while driving in car. It is fluffy. Eat it. Get lost, yell at navigator who keeps telling me to do u-turns. (You can’t do them in NSW – STUPID woman), be late for meeting in city. Meeting person is lovely and doesn’t mind. Find a glass of water at meeting. Drink it.

12:30: Back at supermarket on north side. Shop. Eat a grape when nobody is looking. They might have been squishy. It’s yummy. Eat 3 more. Buy food. Eat apple on way to car crashing trolley into walls because should have waited until inside car to eat apple.

1:30: Gym: Pilates. Realise very hungry when think chi ball starts to resemble mango and need to stop self from eating it.

This is a chi ball . Deflated, when hungry, it’s mangoesque.

2:30: Find half a le snak biscuit in girl’s car seat. Eat it. Go home, unpack shopping. Find a stick of salami in shopping bag. Munch while unpacking. Find block of cheese. Munch a chunk in car while driving to school.

3:00: School pick up. Daughter starving. WTF!? She had a whole lunchbox! And recess!! Ahhh but we get home and she makes ME a coffee. I think this may be why I had children.

3:30: Find cruskits in pantry! JACKPOT! Slightly stale! Can’t tell with vegemite. Eat them in car while driving to preschool. 

5:00 Children home. Won’t get in bath. Won’t get out of bath. Won’t wash selves. Won’t dress selves. Won’t stop whingeing. Cooking pasta. Find some wine in fridge. Check it’s ok for cooking with. Have a sip. (swig). Find some pickles. Eat the pickles with a fork from the jar and pretend am somewhere else. That’s better. 

So, Pete, do you marinate them in caffeine? Poach them in Red Bull?

I think all the furore around those ‘activated almonds’ of Pete Evans’ came about because he wasn’t willing to actually share his insights into the origins of the almonds. Did he activate them by marinating them in eau de caffeine? Did he poach them in Red Bull? Did he plant them in the garden until they’d grown up through the heart of a lettuce? It was unfair not to share. I will do this for you now. You activate an almond by putting it in the couch. It’s part of my diet. After a week or two it’s absorbed nutrients from the surrounding environment, and you can forage for it while watching TV. You double the energy quotient by not expending yours walking to seek almonds, and by absorbing the added nutrients activated within the kernel itself. Win win.

So, guys, you see the basis of this diet is really to get back to simpler, caveman times, when we were out in the wilderness foraging for our survival. You find food, you eat it. If it looks ok, it probably is. I do sit down at dinner and eat proper food (and drink proper wine, from a proper glass). And sometimes, if I’m very lucky, I find some chocolate hiding in the recesses of the couch after dinner.

xx

[Pic credit: Sunday life]

26 thoughts on “My day on a plate – ummm, without the plate

  1. I am utterly exhaused by your day.

    Mine is the same, but doesn’t seem nearly as exhausting.

    Also, I am an early adapter of the forager diet – clearly you underestimate your reach and influence!

    I nearly wept when I found 2 Tic Tac’s stuck to the bottom of my shoe before getting out the car to pick the kids up from school on Friday. Orange ones, so it totally counts as fruit intake for the day.

    And of course I ate them. They’d only stuck to my shoes in the drive to school, so they can’t have been all that dirty….
    Parental Parody recently posted…FFS!? Friday : Random whining with a side of EasterMy Profile

  2. Ahahaha! The nutritionist totally exposed him as a w*nker!!

    Fave: Emu (meat)balls “are not accessible to most Australians.”

    • Secret cupboard/bedroom/under-bed eating…that’s an advanced arm of the diet I’ll need to cover after everyone’s grasped the basics ;) Also tips on the best hiding places for the stash, of course.

  3. Go cavewoman! I read something this week that said if it has a nutritional label, you probably shouldn’t eat it … doesn’t sound like most of those things have nutritional labels, so by that definition – half a La Snack biscuit hidden in your daughter’s car seat is the perfect dietary food :)
    Enid Bite’Em recently posted…BOUTS OF AWESOMENESSMy Profile

    • Ha how many times have I done that!!! I eat chocolate hiding behind the pantry door. Sadly my biggest can now pick the food group (wine, red or white) I’ve just consumed (one sip), her sense of smell is so acute. Game over :(

    • Actually, it is quite good in a lean sense, but as for the immunity? We might need to have a discussion with the staph infection that’s just barely controlled in my foot…
      I’ve got it!!!! We need to write a book! Like the 4 ingredients blah blah cookbook, but for foragers. The fortune is coming our way…

  4. I remember the days when I was able to see it and eat it. Now with my intolerances, pretty much everything on your list food wise (with the exception of the mint) is off limits to me.
    At least we can share a glass of wine if we ever do finally meet face to face :)
    Becc @ Take Charge Now

    • Becc, any time there is any kind of ‘grateful’ list, you should be writing down ‘I can still drink wine without getting sick’. Food, schmood.

  5. Munching on the old salami knob hey? Been there many an afternoon. The other week, I had a leftover cheese platter for lunch TWO DAYS IN A ROW! Livin’ the high life woman. Livin’ it good. And hey, you got some organic goodness going on there, well done :)
    Kelly HTandT recently posted…YLSNED’s Husband File!My Profile

    • LOL Kel! ;) And yes – go the cheese platter. Staple diet of champions. Yes. I got the furry vitamins. Now the furry goodness is inside me. :)

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