My mid-life crisis shake-up has turned into more of a mild vibration of late. I disappoint myself. No trapeze, karaoke, or radio interviews to report this week. Instead? Only some advice for those who, like me, find themselves in their mid-30s and beyond. DO NOT approach this time and think that vegetarianism is a good option. You’re a woman. You need meat. Man meat. Today, for crisis shake up, we’re just going to wobble our eyeballs.

Sorry, it’s the most I can muster after scraping myself back up from the school holiday funk. I’ve had all the yelling, crying, and stomping I could handle for the past fortnight. The girls did their fair share as well. If you’re a man? I apologise. The ensuing objectification of men is despicable and in poor taste. But this is a BBQ today, so, I had to bring a plate. This is all that was in my freezer.

Today we will not eat our vegetables. Did you know the Australian region produces some of the finest cuts of meat in the world? Prime for export, we ship them internationally, yet they boomerang back home, because, well… if the man meat is fine, what do you think our Aussie chicken is like? You and me girls. Top quality. Rub us in marinade and we’ll be even more tender tomorrow. Today we peruse a veritable smorgasbord of sportsmen, beginning with Mark Webber, the Roger Ramjet of Formula 1 racing.

‘What? You say there’s an extra ‘B’ in my name? But I’m WEBER. Man of grill. No?’

It’s a shame, really, that the only time we see him is in a helmut, with a white skin thing underneath, then inside a roll cage, then inside a car. Stupid sport really. NEXT!

What else is on the man grill? Adam Scott. Golf is a little thin on the ground with men worth cooking. Not because they are lean cuts of meat, however. Oooooh nooooo. You’d think with all that walking that they’d be a bit more, um, heart smart. Have the BBQ tick of approval, so to speak. ‘Tis ok though, dear eyeballs. Adam Scott is here.

I’m not going to make a joke about there being a hole in one of whatever that is. No, I’m not. I didn’t.

Yes, yes, I understand. He only hits one ball, every so many shots, and you have to watch ALL the other people on the course, and all the WALKING! And all the DUCKS! Frankly, you keep falling asleep. Isn’t there a quicker better way to see something good?

And I tell you yes. Yes there is. You’ll have to learn some rugby though. Just a little bit. Ok, that’s a lie. Learn nothing, but take a girlfriend. Drink beer, and gossip, and watch the big screen. It is more fun if you know who’s winning though. Look out … here comes your rugby union meat conga line…

As much as I can’t ever let the All Blacks win without yelling at the TV, I will equally never miss a game, because of THIS. ONE. MAN. All hail, fillet steak, Dan Carter. But, I can’t show you his face on this blog, because, well… I support the Wallabies. And, there is SO MUCH good stuff right there to show you. I present to you Pat McNabe (who plays for the Brumbies and hence draws my favour):

Brumbies. Like horses, but better.

Will Genia (from the Qld Reds)

and I would also put on a pic of Liam Gill, from the Reds, but the poor little dude WAS BORN IN THE 90s and that’s pushing it. Just can’t.

Thanks for joining me for this minute glimpse into the literally hundreds of different choices on offer at your butcher. Er… stadium. So there you have it, meat-eaters. RUGBY IS THE ANSWER. You can have steak, kangaroo, lamb, mince or hamburger, all on the field, 30 at a time. BBQ smorgasbord, with gravy.

Linking with the Lounge, for BBQ Thursday. Yum.

[Images ref: Pat McNabe - Getty images]

xx