Jumper pants. FTW by she who fails best.

I’m sure you’ll believe me when I tell you this fail post wrote itself. Falling face first is what I do, right? The internet with all of its ‘fail’ blogs and memes is my natural home.

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A little pop culture factoid for you: The earliest documented use of the term “FAIL” can be traced to a Japanese 16-bit scrolling shooter game, Blazing Star (1998), often mocked for its grammatically incorrect “game over” message that reads:

“YOU FAIL IT!
YOUR SKILL IS NOT ENOUGH-
SEE YOU NEXT TIME- BYE BYE.”

According to Google Trends, Internet users later began exchanging and searching for pictures and videos labelled with “FAIL” as early as in 2004. So look at us here, on this Lounge, reclining like recalcitrant lizards. We’re so positively late to the party, we’re ironically, um… ON THEME.

Guess I’d better tell you about my biggest and best personal fail.

Three little ducks went out one day, over the hills and far away. Mother duck said ‘I’m just going to the cafe to get a coffee, but if you feel comfortable playing in the playground where I feel comfortable having you in a group together, you know where to find me’. Then only one little duck came back. That little duck said the other little duck was happy playing in the playground, and she smiled and waved at me when we made eye contact from just outside the gate fencing the playground.

Lo and behold, little duck A said to mumma duck ‘Mumma duck, I need to wee, NOW!’ Did I mention mumma duck is holding a 40 kg dog, a bike and a scooter? Did I mention also it’s started to rain? Not a teeny weeny drip drop (like in a nursery rhyme), but a SYDNEY SHOWER kind of downpour. We all know that ‘NOW’ means 5 minutes ago in 3-year old speak, so I counted my limited options, and grabbed dog, child and ran for the bushes. No time for the toilet. Plus, dog.

It was too late. Her undies and jeans were soaked through. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she contemplated humiliating nude-scooting.

As I perched on my haunches in the bushes, rain dripping off my nose, I became somewhat close to panic as to how I would take my nude-bottomed 3-year-old scooting back to the car, while holding a 40-kilo dog on a lead, AND also find another daughter in the playground simultaneously. Without David Tennant’s help, that is. The little duck L was returned to us in the bushes sobbing, utterly distraught, by a lovely kind woman as she’d thought she’d lost us thoroughly. Cue heart-stabbing guilt. The nude bottom still presented a problem.

Then I remembered something I’d seen on the Melbourne Comedy Festival not so long before.

Jumper pants.

There was a song. You can watch and sing along (starting at about 1:19). It’s quite catchy. I had a jumper. I could do this.

You won’t believe this, Melbourne Comedy Festival guys, but somebody saw your idea and THOUGHT YOU WERE SERIOUS. They are making them as REAL PANTS and trying to sell them. Oops. They did reduce their price considerably from their originally marked RRP $260 down to only $99, and now, they are OUT! OF! STOCK! So… now I’m not really sure who has failed here. The person who took it seriously as an idea? Or the person who thought it actually looked cutting edge with ankle boots and (this is awkward) bought them.

Uhh.. yeah. You look totally, like… amaaahhhzing.

Uhh.. yeah. You look totally, like… amaaahhhzing.

In my humble opinion? The only person this look could possibly work on is this girl. The one with all the attitude in the world. The girl who says she wants ‘the chicken head’ when asked what part of the chicken she wants for dinner.

Here’s my little scooter girl. Dry bum but soaked everywhere else. Big sister tearfully bringing up the rear, while I reign in the enormous dog. Winning at failing, like only I know how.

Jumper pants. You know you want to.

Jumper pants. You know you want to.

Add your link below, PLEASE guys, and tell me you know how to fail too, like I do. We can toast our inadequacies and dance to being rubbish by the light of the moon! Or something.

 

30 thoughts on “Jumper pants. FTW by she who fails best.

  1. I really can’t comment on this because all I can hear is Dave Chapelle saying “What is a chicken head?” and I’m distracted.
    I’d wear those pants. I’d look bad, but they look comfy.

  2. This afternoon a very young friend of mine wet herself in the park. All I had was her brother’s jumper and – fortunately – the memory of this post. Thank you!

  3. I had no idea you could do this with a jumper but I will be sure to remember just in case I ever get caught without my pants but a jumper on hand !!!! Useful to know if you have littles – maybe if I ever get any grandchildren !!
    Have the best day !
    Me
    Me recently posted…I Must Confess …… I LoveMy Profile

  4. Those are the times you really do need to be gadget octopus woman! One hand on nicely playing child, arms each for the dog bike and scooter and another one to whisk Miss Three to the loo on time.

    I think the jumper-pants were an inspired solution to a situation that was heading for shits-ville. Maybe failing but it was failing with style :)
    Rachel recently posted…What the F%#k FridayMy Profile

  5. ALL HAIL JUMPER PANTS!!! That is AWESOME!

    I am failing at feeling healthy. Or alive at all, really, this week. Cough splutter hack. Here, have some snot.

    Also still failing at linking up to The Lounge. IT WILL HAPPEN.
    Emily recently posted…Marketers can be sneakyMy Profile

    • Never fear mate. Like babies and good hair, it doesn’t have to happen overnight ;) We’ll be here waiting when you get a chance to sit and eat a whole meal, drink a whole cup of tea, and sleep a whole three hours in a row. Get better! Xx

  6. Is call that a huge hit! My fail of the day is not being able to link to your blog from my phone, sorry :-( – as soon as I’m back online properly ill add the link!

    • I don’t know how to do it either ;) In fact, I haven’t been able to comment on your blog lately, and I’m not sure if it’s my techno-idiocy or if something’s actually wrong. I’m pretty sure it’s the former. I’ve lots of lovely comments waiting for you here, inside my head!! :)

  7. Pingback: “Failure is not an option” | Mrs D's Maunderings

  8. This is not a fail! This is genius!!!

    I’m throwing my missus a surprise 90s themed birthday party in Saturday, I think jumper pants might be my costume!

  9. Pingback: Failure | The (Mildly) Opinionated Manager

    • It’s amazing where the mind will go when desperation strikes. I’ll be watching all future Comedy Festivals for helpful parenting tips, and will be advising others to do the same. ;)

  10. Oh we’ve ALL had that sort of parenting fail. The jumper is a stroke of genius! I have had kindly strangers return my kids once or twice too and it makes you feel like the worst kind of neglectful parent. “I only turned my back for a minute…!” I won’t be wearing grown up jumper pants any time soon but I will be keeping it in mind for nude child emergencies!
    Lara @ This Charming Mum recently posted…Failure is in the eye of the beholderMy Profile

    • It’s SO embarrassing when it’s a sharp-eyed stranger that brings them back. Thanks goodness on this day it was a genuinely lovely and caring woman who understood our mutual distress. I of course made a promise to myself to always carry spare undies and pants in the car from that day forward. Actually in my car? Is a raincoat and a towel. I could probably rig some kind of nappy-device together with that…

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