Goddamn green smoothie bandwagons

I hate a bandwagon. If you need to know something about me, it’s that I’ll climb onto a bandwagon very reluctantly, only when my feet are blistered and bleeding and I can’t physically walk the remaining 5 miles home without help from a donkey. (Do donkeys even pull bandwagons?)

If cocktails in a bar are being served in cocunuts with straws, I’ll probably order a wine. In a pint glass.

But, dammit, my health needs to be taken in hand, like, with handcuffs. I’m drinking goddamn green smoothies. I throw in enough berries on top of the spinach to turn them poo brown so they can’t be called green. Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone I actually like the taste either. And you will NEVER catch these abominations on Instagram with a caption saying ‘oooh I feel green and clean’. Promise.

Here's a frigging green (reddish brownish) smoothie for ya, to wash down my daily handful of au natural pharmaceuticals.

Here’s a frigging green (reddish brownish) smoothie for ya, to wash down my daily handful of au natural pharmaceuticals.

I am doing the things I laugh at people for doing. I know what chia is. I know how to say keen- wah. I’m getting freaky with freekeh. I put Stevia in my tea. (Aka tea with Steve. That Man is well jealous.)

The thing is, no migraine in 4 weeks. Less headaches. Face looking more like skin, less like pepperoni. And I am no fun anymore. What a frigging conundrum.

I read the well-holy wellness green food sites with two fingers at the ready, to make the gagging noises. I hate that shit.  I should clarify. I like the food. I like to eat healthily, and I always have. What I don’t like is a supercilious attitude towards food and eating, and the   prosyletising of health like a religion. Do what works for you, I say. I don’t need to see your hemp seed whale glue tree bark smoothie in a jam jar with a stripey paper straw to know you’re healthy. If you say you feel good, then great. I believe you. Pictorial evidence not required.

Work lunch. Will put hairs on your chest and spinach in your teeth. Grossly hypocritical gloating pic of healthy eating. First and last ever.

Work lunch. Will put hairs on your chest and spinach in your teeth. Grossly hypocritical gloating pic of healthy eating. First and last ever.

Unfortunately, I love healthy food, but I LOVE ALL THE FOOD. Including cheese. I want to be moderate and healthy, but I can’t even manage that right now. And this stupid ‘un-diet’ is working for me in a head-being-less-explosive guts not speaking in exclamation marks kind of way. I’m smiling spinach at people on the train to brighten their mornings too, as an added bonus. Damn you, bandwagon body. Climbing on without asking if I wanted to come.  I want to drink the wine and eat figs and goats cheese and prosciutto until I’m a dairy nitrite headache acne filled cretin. But body says no. Too tired. Too sore.

No fun Kim. Pleased to meet you. Let’s see how we go.
Xx

Are any of you doing this ‘green’ thing? Are you out and proud or are you in the closet like me?

16 thoughts on “Goddamn green smoothie bandwagons

    • You do it all, like a smart woman. I wish I could too. Hopefully this cutting out thing isn’t permanent. Or I’ll go to sleep crying tears for cheese platters lost.

    • I kind of think the same way- since why mush the spinach leaves I’m going to eat in a salad anyway? If you’re putting it in one way or another, it’s all good I reckon. And cheese is great, if your body doesn’t freak out about it. Sadly it seems I’m intolerant. My tears are dripping on the keyboard as I type. :)

  1. “Do what works for you, I say. I don’t need to see your hemp seed whale glue tree bark smoothie in a jam jar with a stripey paper straw to know you’re healthy.” Haha! THIS to the power of ten :) I like healthy food sometimes and crave it (LOVE spinach) and then I pendulum madly back to carbs and sugar, dependent usually on my mental health state. Unfortunately, eating shit makes me feel even worse so I eat more shit and so on. As a result my weight has been up and down more times in the last 6 months than Lindsay Lohan at a casting call. Sorry…

    What do you put in your green smoothies? I tried a vegetable one the other week and added fruit but it was still pretty bad.

    • I think the reason i like them is the frozen fruit . I keep the green down to about a third (just spinach leaves and parsley, mint or celery) then frozen banana, mango or berries, and one other un-frozen fruit like kiwi fruit or pear. Bit of soy or almond milk to thin it out. And I would NEVER knock a carb. Potatoes make my world go round. Haha bouncing LILO. There’s a mental image I didn’t need – thanks Ace ,)

      • That actually sounds pretty yum :) Just recently been betting into Almond milk too. Oh no, could I be getting trendy and hipster in my old age? ;) Thanks hon.

  2. I just can’t do the smoothies. I really can’t. They make me vomit. BUT I have made a pretty cool chia pudding and I make a mean keen-wah salad. I’m trying hard to do healthy without a bandwagon at the moment (did someone say creek? paddle?) but the bandwagons creep in when you least expect them. Every time I eat a carrot stick I have to tell myself that it’s just a carrot stick, it doesn’t HAVE to be PALEO! Best of luck looking after yourself in whatever way works for you :)
    Lara @ This Charming Mum recently posted…10 things about 41My Profile

    • Thanks Lara. Chia pudding? Really? I’m going to ask you how. I kind of get stuck thinking it tastes like tadpole eggs halfway through those chia pods you buy ready-made and start gagging. Maybe it’s smoothies for me, chia for you. Enjoy you non-paleo non-vegan carrots!

  3. I SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD be doing this clean green thing and once I get back from 3 or 4 nights in hospital with my son (just over a week), kidney operation (and won’t have chance to eat bad food or DRINK booze) then I plan to go green and get healthy! I won’t give up my crap but I will out myself, get the awesome blender, juicer out of the cupboard and go nuts and then I will post about it loudly and proudly! Glad you feel better lovely xxx
    Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted…A few of my secret websites to help freelance writers and bloggers!My Profile

    • You go girl. Add it all in. I wish that would work for me. Hopefully I can start sneaking some bits back in soon, before I punch somebody :) I’ll be listening out to hear how it all goes with your son. It will be fine, but I know how v scary it is. Xx

  4. Well done, you – for not wanting to join the green smoothie bandwagon but realising it’s important for your health and doing it anyway. If it’s working, it must be a good thing and hopefully you can sneak a teensy bit of cheese now and again. We often have fresh juices several times a week but I still have a cakie now and again. Everything in moderation including moderation as they say.
    Ness recently posted…Ten Fascinating Things About MeMy Profile

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