Driving … you’re doing it wrong.

When I say ‘you’re’ doing it wrong, I only mean me. You are not, because you’re not driving in the car with my kids. If you were, you’d be wrong, too. Because they have RULES. Scary, hard rules. When you go for your L plates you should have two small girls yelling at you to ‘STOP! WEE COMING!’ while you do the computer test, then a large dog farting Chum farts while you attempt to reverse park for your P- plate test.

According to small girl rules, I first make the mistake of paying far too much attention to the road. I forget I am a DJ and top chef with go-go Gadget hands, ready to retrieve dropped items from under my seat whilst simultaneously dishing out delectable snacks and Eclipse mints for dessert from the depths of my handbag. Operating a vehicle? Pah. I can do that with the eyes in the back of my head and my extra octopus arms.

There are complex and difficult games. ‘I spy with my little eye, something beginning with pink’. We also play the ‘magic word’ game, where they make deals based on my knowledge of the secret word. They’ll do as I ask, if I know the password. Too easy! Says I, cocky in the knowledge that yesterday’s was FoxBox. ‘Noooo Muuuuuuuum’. I lose. Today’s word is Stinkydingo. Of course. Outwitted by a 4-year old once again.

I do slightly better in my role as DJ. I’ve worked out some get-arounds for the more high-rotation dodgy lyrics we encounter, but some of the swearing still catches me off guard on the school run in the mornings. Today on the way back from the beach we wound all the windows up so nobody could hear us having a Gangnam Style dance party while we sang ‘Hey… Chips and gravy, op op op op, open Gangnam style!’ because that song is like, SO last year. The other day I had them convinced that Gwen Stefani was singing ‘Ooooooh, this my ship this my ship’, ‘The sheep is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!’ before launching in to a lengthy explanation of what a Hollaback Girl might actually BE…. However. I still get caught out frequently, usually before my brain logs on at 10am, and I’m forced to start singing really loudly over the top of the radio with some ridiculous makeup words. Over the past week with laryngitis I’ve sounded a lot like a dying cockatoo, BUT, on the up-side I’ve preserved my kids’ aural virginity another day….

Did I say the ‘S’ word? Oops

What I really need, I think, is some kind of scrambling device for the radio, like the police have. (Do they? Or did I just make this up? Whatever. Go with me, cos I said. Bossy. Shoosh.) So this scrambling device would recognise swearing or inappropriate lyrics in the music, and would scramble the word and substitute something else, like ‘plucking’. Basically, it would do all the thinking on my feet for me, while I’m busy being an Inspector Gadget octopus chef.

 

A dramatic re-enactment of events. Cos I would not talk on my phone. Oh no.

Speaking of police, I recently had a close encounter of the back pocket kind. I pulled up at the lights, and realised, distracted as I was with my mobile, that the intermittent woop noise was in fact a cop car alongside trying to gently gain my attention. Oh. He smiled at me, shook his head and waggled his finger. I chucked aside my phone like it was Psy’s underpants and made the most contrite face I could conjure (a cross between a strangled goat and a goldfish). I KNOW. Massive fail. I wasn’t texting or tweeting, and what I was doing on my phone is not important, since I shouldn’t have been holding it. BAD person. In the bin SLAM. I was just looking for the good songs to play. The sweary ones, since I was in the car, without the kids, and I wasn’t going to get into trouble for once.

[Photo credit: Alamy – www.Telegraph.co.uk]

42 thoughts on “Driving … you’re doing it wrong.

  1. What the actual fuck how have I missed two posts?
    Anyway the swearing issue on the radio is problematic indeed. I am always laughing hysterically and singing loudly over the top.
    P likes making up words too. Yesterday she told me her small toy dog was a “Bum Creature”.

  2. Lol!!! Cups and gravy!! That’s the best !

    I have a hard enough time entertaining myself with music in the car… It actually seems more fun to makeup lyrics!!

    Hilar post Kim xxx

    • A chase!? You ran away?! you NAUGHTY NAUGHTY girl!!! (I’m secretly impressed ;) But BOO for you. And YAY for being lucky for the first time in my LIFE!

    • Tell me about it. And so begins the 15 minutes of wailing because the doll’s head is on the floor under your seat. Stupid doll. Stupid head.

  3. Gadget. Octopus. Chef. With those three words you have completely nailed my driving persona! Brook freaks out when I drive becuase I spend at least 2/3 of the time with my arm in the back of the car dispensing treats, finding dropped items and delivering the occasional (and very ineffective) whack to people who are fighting!
    Rachel recently posted…Dietary Anonymous – the hidden tapesMy Profile

  4. LMAO – yep I know those songs and it is so embarrassing when your 6 year old starts singing them at the top of their voice – including the uncensored bits. By the way up until recently I thought that song Dont you worry child actually said Siennas got a plan for you and I was thinking who the Fuck is Sienna??? x
    Sonia Life Love Hiccups recently posted…Getting it Off My Chest – This Rant is Brought To You By Really Ignorant CompaniesMy Profile

    • I like your words much better. Though I’m a bit concerned about some omniscient being called Sienna making plans for us. Kinda makes me a bit scared to sleep… x

    • Yes – TOTALLY. (And, derhead, yes you so could have!) Daddy’s music used to be good around here till he started occasionally dabbling in hip hop. Now it can’t be trusted ;)

  5. LOL! I try and convince my twinlets that Gwen’s singing “Ship” too! They’re 3 and I don’t think they believe me.
    Don’t you hate it when a police man catches you red (mobile phone) handed? I feel like such a naughty school girl.
    Grace recently posted…The Piano ManMy Profile

  6. My daughter changed the Gangam style words to that of Animals – chicken style, horsie style and then got stuck on Doggie Style (probably because I told her she better not sing that) – she now yells it out to strangers…I’d prefer her sing swear words now…

    • Tell me about it. Sometimes you kinda forget you’re driving when there are other things happening. Like music and facebook. BAD. We are BAD PEOPLE.

  7. Oh yes, another Mum Octopus! I don’t have to worry about inappropriate lyrics because I get yelled at if I even try and change the song from One Directions One Thing. Yes.. really. I have 4 boys. #teamIBOT

    • I’m so embarrassed. I know every word to that song. How? I switch it every time it comes on. Osmosis? School fetes, shopping centres … it’s insidious. Ohhhhh you have a little boy band in the back. Sweet. :)

  8. Too funny, I had Gwen’s “hollaback girl” song blaring in my car on Sunday and wondered how I would explain should they ask about the shit being bananas and all!
    My eldest often tells me I’m not holding the steering wheel correctly, because at 4, he would know. Pfft.
    Kelly HTandT recently posted…Bipolar Disorder: A Self DiagnosisMy Profile

  9. The day my son takes over the airwaves in the car is the day the music dies my friend. So far, he is happy to bob away to most of my music (which I believe is pretty bloody good crossing through the 70′s through to today).
    Luckily for me, my husband & I (on occasion) get the words very wrong, so I am sure that we will totally pass that on to our son and he will only hear truck, funk or forget you :)
    Becc @ Take Charge Now
    Take Charge Now recently posted…Travelling with Children Is Not tough – Parenting IsMy Profile

  10. I should get my husband to read this post… he is the king of inappropriate car Dj’ing. My two year old has been waltzing in singing Rage Agaist the Machine after he picks her up from childcare. He swears he’s only teaching her the lyrics without swear words but by my estimate that leaves about six words per album. Sigh! As for the five year old, I pick him up post school and though he has been spared some of his father’s corrupting influence he still thinks Psy is singing an ode to his gran… “Old old old old olden Grandma style”
    Aleney recently posted…Holi MoleyMy Profile

    • HA hilarious! Olden Grandma style! I’m going to try that one next time I’m forced to listen to Psy’s dulcet tones. I do love a bit of Rage Against the Machine. It would freak me out though if they had more reason to come in saying ‘but i won’t do what you tell me’.

  11. LOL – never a truer word was written !!!! I will ensure that I thank my stars that I don’t have a littlie in the car with me every time I get in and enjoy my uncensored listening !
    Have the best day !
    Me
    #IBOT visitor
    Me recently posted…Menopause – More AnswersMy Profile

  12. Oh I am only just starting to experience this and its not fun! Punky seems to think that once she gets sick of the drive then whinging and carrrying on is going to automatically make us arrive at our destination. And considering most of our drives are long, this gets old real fast. Thank god I had a random museli bar in my handbag the other day when there was a smash on the M7 on the way to Mum’s. The usual 45 minute trip, which she handles pretty well, turned in to an hour and a half and that muesli bar was the only thing that saved my sanity!
    Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions recently posted…Blogovations, I’ve done a fewMy Profile

    • Yep it’s not safe to leave the house without a handbag stash full of survivor island snacks like muesli bars. You need to double your handbag size when the second one reaches 2 ok Kylez? What did they do in the old days with kids when they were on horse and cart over the Blue Mountains? And they had no Le Snaks? ugh…. I am shuddering.

  13. Yay for similar parent driving experiences and BAHAHAHA at the chips and gravy. I had a very difficult game of playing eye-spy while driving the other day – the 5-y-o was looking at something ‘beginning with P’ and become super-agitated that I couldn’t guess it (but of course wouldn’t tell me what it is was until his agitation reached the nth degree). The answer “private property!” Oh dear…
    Enid Bite’Em recently posted…Birthday ShmirthdayMy Profile

  14. You are too funny. And very lucky. Why don’t I ever get a waggled finger instead of a ticket? As for driving skills, don’t forget the ability to dodge missiles thrown from the backseat, including shoes (sometimes with added sand), grapes and hair brushes.
    Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right recently posted…He started it!My Profile

    • Oh god I know – SO lucky. I wanted to jump out of the car and plant a big smushy one on him, but that surely WOULD have bought me a ticket. Ah yes missiles. Grapes always get stuck in your hair for some reason. Pleasant.

  15. We have the “op op op Gamma Star” ripping out each morning or now Z’s favourite is “Locomotion” (appropriate huh). Probably shouldn’t get them too in tune with Kylie, “I wanna funk, I wanna funk, I wanna f f u f u n k” might mysteriously undergo a letter change, and you all know which letter would be traded for a c………

  16. Wow Kim – sounds like you’ve entered a time space portal and ended up in the back seat of my green Mazda 3 (aka Starbug). The similarities to my driving life are startling – right down to the Psy is passe schtick. We dont have a farting dog but my girls make up for it by impersonating a farting dog.
    mumabulous recently posted…Why Do We Do This?My Profile

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