Some of us bloggers write naked, (metaphorically… I hope), no holds barred, in a raw and passionate way, while others have a kind of ‘character’ who is funny, creative, and in some ways protected under a few layers from the interwebs. I love to read both of these kinds.
Me? Well, I guess I’m closer towards the blogging ‘persona’ side, and I keep a few protective layers of clothes on, to keep from getting sunburnt. I have very fair skin. There are some things I want to explain though, so just for today, I’m naked. Before I do me, I want to do you guys. I want to say thanks. I love that you read this page. You are such warm, giving, welcoming and supportive people in this community, and I’ve got a feeling of guilt that I’m not giving enough myself. Some of my life is hard, and sometimes I’ve run out of give. My intention and desire is there, but my time and physical capacity are challenged.
So. Doing me now. When I started at uni, I was painfully shy, dreading the tutorial breaks where we’d hang out and chat with other law students. They were (and I generalise) a fairly dry bunch, and one day I discovered the beauty of the old ‘fake it till you make it’ approach. I pretended to be the joke-cracking, sociable, party-loving girl until finally, she melded with the real me and I WAS her.
There is a form of this girl living here on my blog. I don’t actually drink as much as it may appear (because, looking back on recent posts, my gosh it seems like a lot! Don’t call AA just yet!) though I do love a tipple. I do love to make people laugh, but I can also be very shy, and there are days where I cry. There are other days, like today, where a neurological condition I have makes me go to bed all day, or if it hits me in public, makes me want to crawl under a rock with embarrassment. I don’t blog on those low days. This is all me you’re getting, but the one that goes to BBQs on the weekends, smiling and made-up, because I cope much better regaling a group with the story of my latest disaster than having them listen wide-eyed with sympathy.
Today I’m bare though, because my stupid condition forced me to be so bare in public. I left my husband’s work Christmas lunch after 5 minutes and a glass of mineral water, because I felt my hand go numb. I get hemiplegic migraines, a rare neurological condition that makes me become temporarily paralysed down one side of my body, and I lose my speech or speak in double-Dutch and become confused and unable to walk or do simple things like drink water. I sometimes lose the ability to swallow too, or partly lose consciousness so my eyes are open but I don’t remember what’s happened after. It looks a whole lot like a stroke, but in a pub restaurant at my age, it looks a whole lot like drunk. I was vaguely aware of the stares and a comment or two on the street as my husband dragged me out of there and parked me on the couch at the office.
Little L knows how to make a phonecall now, and I’m blessed with a great neuro who’s stretched the episodes to about every 3 weeks instead of every 2 days, as they were 3 years ago when they began, but stress and tiredness are huge triggers and there’s no chance of eliminating those elements from my life. Right now I’m frustrated, humiliated, embarrassed, and angry at my stupid draggy leg that I’ll be dragging around probably until I wake up tomorrow, just like a person post-stroke. I am lucky that I’ll regain full function, and I’m also lucky I have no pain with these migraines. I get the other ‘normal’ kind, with aura and splitting pain, only about twice per year. Manageable!
So there’s that. And then there’s little L and her diabetes, and my extra fears that I’m going to conk out and not be able to care for her one day she’s hypo, and little 3-year-old A will be here with two semi-catatonic jellyfish wondering what to do. That’s a very worst nightmare scenario though, and hopefully I’ve thrown just enough coins in the karma jar to prevent it.
About the image thing. While I may say that when I blog I have a few layers on, a friend on the weekend said this is a myth (perhaps one I tell myself to make it easier to write?) and I am, in fact, putting it all pretty much out there. The thing is, though, we never do really, do we? We only put out the person we want the world to see.
Look at Lana del Rey. She’s been somewhat pilloried for being very ‘contrived’ and studied in her image and her approach. She’s a singer, and gorgeous, and I’ve a clip of her below in case you’re unfamiliar with her, and also because I just love love love this song. I did have a giggle when I watched the Little Mermaid recently and realised Lana’s hair bears a striking resemblance to Ariel’s, and that the name of the evil governess is Marina Del Rey. Hmmmm. However, when she was just plain old Lizzy Grant nothing much happened for her. If her image and stage name giver her the confidence to perform, then I say ‘Go Girl’!
So, guys, I want to visit all of your blogs and comment and share the love, and I am doing it all in my head. I’ve recently been nominated for a bloggy Sunshine Award by Mumabulous, and a Liebster Award by Kelly at HT&T. I’m beyond tickled because these guys are among my favourite bloggers ever, and I’d like to start preparing my blog-logie speech right now (that Blogie to you). But, when I’m not around, this is why. Plus the normal stuff… Working, running a house, running small children, blah blah.
I’m trying to give you my best, and give you the BBQ Kim – the one that keeps her clothes on.
Off to get dressed now.