I’m bursting with burning questions. I need answers, people, and I need them now. Please help, and if you can’t, send chocolate. Or booze. Or boozy chocolate.
What follows is a random and eclectic mix of the questions filling up prime real estate in my brain. There is not enough space in there. These need clearing out. Don’t be dismissive. They are all VERY important. They all NEED ANSWERS. Don’t be upset by the lack of flow. Or be upset – but don’t ask me to help you with it. I am too busy with my questions to care. Sorry.
- Where did the ridiculous expression ‘wanting to have your cake and eat it too’ come from? I want to have my cake and eat it too. Is that bad? Of course I want to eat it too! Who wants to just look at cake?
- Why can’t I catch the rabbit roaming freely in my garden (eating all the herbs in my veggie patch)?
- Do I have to cut down on my viewing frequency of ‘Breaking Bad’ if, when I go to make my Easi-yo yoghurt in the morning, I say it in my head like an instruction to a dude who needs to calm the hell down, like ‘Easy, yo’.
- If you shave your legs down ‘with the grain’ (also – does hair even HAVE a grain?) instead of up, assuming you had magical contortionist arms, would they last longer between shaves? Do any real people actually do this?
- Why is everything 10 times more funny when you need to pee?
- Kids. AGH. This is not a question. Merely punctuation.
- Why is there a Jeans for Genes Day, and a Canteen Day with bandanas charity day, but no charity day yet that involves wearing pyjamas all day? I would fundraise the CRAP out of that day. Oh yes.
- Why do Americans on TV shows say ‘I could care less’ when they’re implying they don’t care – when Aussies in the same situation say ‘I couldn’t care less’. Does not one person stop to consider that in saying this expression, they’re in fact saying ‘Yes. I care. More than I want to.’ Don’t get me started on aluminum.
- Why is the amount of late you’re running directly proportional to the number of times your kid will decide they need an outfit change?
- Will Jennifer Aniston ever do something different with her hair?
- Will Angelina Jolie ever wear a colour that’s not black?
- Will the world ever stop turning?
- Will I ever stop gazing at my navel?
- Why is Facebook so stupid?
- Did unicorns exist once, like dinosaurs, and evolve into horses once their horns dropped off? Perhaps we’ve just not dug up any unicorn horn fossils as yet. Food for thought here…
- Perhaps most importantly… vodka or gin?
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