A wanted woman

It’s true. I’m a wanted woman. My email says so, and who am I to be churlish and disbelieving? There are at least two suitors in my inbox wanting to have a serious relationship with me. It’s very flattering and exciting, the adventures and potential life changes offered to me daily just by opening my Entourage. Should I be concerned that they think I’m a man? Pah. They live in Russia. Mere details.

So, option 1, Olga, is ‘cheerful, kind, sociable and fluffy‘. What more could I want in a woman? Other than that she turn into a man. They have operations for these things though, I believe.

‘You have drawn my attention to a site of acquaintances. I hope, as I shall like you. How I to you in a photo? The truth – pretty? :) But in a life I more nice!!!’ She promises to send me a letter. Sounds like an offer too good to refuse, no?

I shared my excitement on Facebook, and found that Olga had, in fact, been two-timing me. Shattered, with a heavy heart, I discovered she had also shared her deep love for winter and summer with my friend A. In A she had also confided that she also does not love spring and slush. After a tussle with our emotions, and a battle over the length of time Olga had spent in our respective inboxes, we decided that our friendship was not worth sacrificing for this new bewitching slush-hating vixen. A and I banded together, and decided we’d slush her house, in spring. A month or so later, I feel restored and back to my normal self, ready to engage once more with my Entourage.

And now there’s Katya. Ahhh, Katya. Our names both start with a K. Surely this must be fate?

She writes:
‘Hello my name is Katya I am from small city in the center of Russia.
I am 24 years old.I am very friendly and romantic person.’

YES! Me too! I am also 24, (ish), friendly, and romantic!

‘I saw your structure and have decided to do record in you as I search for the friend on the Internet!’

Well, yeah. How could she miss my structure? It’s pretty amazing. Bone structure she means, and she’s been so inspired she’s recording a song about me. I’m glad I’ve been so inspiring to a young woman singer who was only really looking for an Internet friend, and now she’s got her next song! Not surprising though.

‘I want to have serious relationship and it true.My dream is search for the man which will appreciate me and to respect.
I like to get acquainted with unknown people. I am a optimistic girl with sense of humor, who is looking for her soulmate…’

Oooooh, so not just a friend then. A relationship. Oh. With a man. Details…. Next? Yes. I too have a keen sense of humour, though I don’t appreciate bad spelling. I think I can be a valuable guide to dear Katya. Maybe even her soulmate.

‘Sometimes I go to the disco with my friends. I like to spend my free time on the nature.
There are a real beautiful places near my town! Al my life I like sport.
When I was young I was engaged in gymnastics and now I am engaged in aerobics.
Al my friend say that i cherful and sociable.’

Awesome! She’s fit, is sociable and full of Cher. I, too, like ‘Believe’.

‘I hope soon to see your message in my box.’
In your… WTF? Sorry Katya. First date. Slow down.

I’m not sure I’m ready for these Russian minxes. The fact is, I am not a very fat man with a lot of money. What? Stereotyping??? Sorry. I retract that statement and move on. I think, perhaps, my inbox will come in handy when I’m ready to make my first purchase of ‘Vigara’, which I’m certain is chemically significantly different to its sister drug, Viagra. Likely made of talc powder and baking soda, the resemblance is probably not striking.

Vigara… NOT Viagra. For those who want to be… elected?

Also available to me are lucrative investment opportunities. I’m not a sucker. Not falling for any Nigerian scams. However, Stella Sizemore (I suspect this is her stage name) is offering me the chance, as a healthcare investor, to sponsor a company eager to improve the lives of people through the wonderful world of medicinal weed. This is an exciting opportunity made all the more appealing through her use of alliteration, rather than an application of more technically scientific descriptors such as ‘cannabis-based pharmaceutical products’.

What to do? Where to turn? I suppose conscience and willpower must be my guides in this sea of temptation and Vigara. One little blue pill and I could be burping baby’s-bottom-scented breath for days. One slip at the keyboard and Olga and her slush-hating ways could be jumping on the next plane to Australia, ready to drive a ruski-sized wedge between my friendship with A. Or, worse, Katya could arrive on my doorstep demanding that I become a man. With money.

What gems has your inbox turned up lately?

xx

[Photo credit: via Photopin]

14 thoughts on “A wanted woman

  1. I am winning all sorts of lotteries, getting accounts frozen at banks I don’t have accounts with and getting ebay charges for things I didn’t buy…and then in the real world someone did try to use my credit card and the bank stopped it and rang me at 7.30 to let me know (the $900 Walmart charge was attempted at 3 am our time).
    I don’t know if there’s a link but something is in the air and it was only a matter of time…

    • Hmm Helen it’s likely either to be your structure, or an abundance of slush around your house. These things are important to Russians. Check it out and get back to me ;)

    • It could be so much worse mate. At least you’re not being mistaken for a man from your structure. Middle age sux balls. ;)

  2. Here’s a cut and paste job from a recent email. If you can tell me what it means, great. And, thank goodness, there were actually no photos attached. (Although I have a feeling this won’t get through your spam filter…)

    I have two failed marriages and two broken engagements under my belt, but I have been saying that over my sexcam for some time. These photos which made their way into our hands certainly do a convincing job of making us think that’s very much the same as they do cars.
    Emily recently posted…No two babies are alike (guest post)My Profile

    • Who is doing cars?? And are they doing it over sexcam? I agree Em – this is all very confusing. Considering they open with their two failed marriages and engagements, they kinda need some lessons in the sales pitch methinks. Spam or no spam :)

  3. I got a phone call from my bank yesterday telling me they’d cancelled my card cos someone (not me) tried to spend $900 at Walmart. I’m guessing it’s either the random F*ckbook invites I get (yes, that’s apparently a real thing) or a phishing scam that tells me I’ve purchased something expensive off ebay and to click here if I want to cancel the paypal transaction…(which I don’t, I do forward to paypal phishing dept)
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted…First of the Month Fiction – Easter editionMy Profile

    • LOL F*ckbook!!!! I had no idea that’s a thing! I’m gonna check it out. Also, just wondering, HOW do you spend $900 at Walmart? All of the canned tomatoes?

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