A rave, a rant, and how to look jaunty in a tie.

Have you got my goat? I’m sure I left it around here somewhere. No, really. It’s the perfect day for a rant by the stark-raving mad, as I was caught having a little chat to myself this afternoon while working away in my home office. After putting in a 30-hr week by Wednesday night, I no longer seem be able to keep my thought processes contained inside my brain or confined to the keyboard. It is FALLING OUT. So I’m glad I’m here, blurting and bleating in the Lounge with REAL EARS to listen. Don’t cut them off ok?
The unhappy thing is though, I’m zen. I’m trying on a whole calm, unbothered, glass-half-full persona full of positivity that tries not to indulge in negative thought processes. It’s working out really well. I’m completely exhausted by it. Oh, what the hell. You asked, right?

Because it’s been a long week already, here is my list of things that get my goat, in no particular, or indeed remotely sensible order.

1. Why is Eloise peeling Patrick’s sweet potato?! (Sorry. One for the Offspring fans only) Oh. Ooooooohhh. It’s ok. It’s all ok. We don’t have to worry about that one anymore.

2. Ties. Not generally, obviously. They are very practical accessories, and add gravity and jauntiness to any outfit, particularly in yellow. I rock a tie. Want to see?

You have important business thoughts to tell me? OK. I'm listening.

You have important business thoughts to tell me? OK. I’m listening with a business-like point of face.

Hmm. That's a very interesting business point you make. I will go and give it due and grave business thought.

Hmm. That’s a very interesting business point you make. I will go and give it due and grave business thought.

 

 

 

And a tie on a man? Mmmmmmmmmmm. One more time. Mmmmmmmmm. But, and I REPEAT, but, on a 5-year old?? Girl? School, excuse me, are you trying to ruin my every day, EVERY MORNING? I notice the boy on the UncleToby’s porridge sachets ad isn’t wearing a tie. I bet he’s on time, too.

I’m a good tie tier, (because I’m awesome – see important further point below), but 5-year old necks are not good top button wearers. These sloppy floppy top buttons are incompatible with the wearing of ties. Whatever, details. STOP THE TORTURE! JUST STOP! Tracksuits for all! (Me too – please?)

 

3. Tuna. You taste nice. You are a good fish. You’re a spectacular swimmer. You are really best raw. But why do you keep smelling afterwards, forever? I like to eat you, even out of tins, so I have no untoward bias. But truly, you should never go to work or school. Ever. Know your place please, and stay there.

 

4. Pants. Pants in pants. Washing inside out pants inside inside out pants. Even the big man person thing here does it. Then extricating the whole mess. Oh ho ho! And even better? If someone wees inside the pants inside the pants. JUST STOP WEARING PANTS OK? Wow. That feels so much better.

 

5. Goats. Goats get my goat. For sounding like real children. And for letting their small versions be called ‘kids’. Have you ever been to a ‘farm day’ with small kids (yours, not the goat version) and spent the whole day in a panic thinking they were crying out for you because of the stupid goats? Oh. Just me then.

 

6. Earrings. What’s wrong with this picture? It’s one of those tricky ‘spot the difference’ ones. I didn’t know I’d lost it until I’d walked around all afternoon like pirate Captain Jack Sparrow with just one. Nobody told me, which makes it a bit worse. I really liked these ones. Not sure what to do with just one. Grrrrr. Arggggh.
Exhibit B. Embarrased ear, sans earring.

Exhibit B. Embarrased ear, sans earring.

Exhibit A. Ear avec earring

Exhibit A. Ear avec earring

 

 

7. Me. I get my goat. For being so very extremely awesome and able to do everything. I’m so capable and amazing I can work, cook, look after kids, wash, cook, shop for food and do double pickups and dropoffs. I hate being this amazing because the more I do it, the more I need to be able to do it. Inside, I would like to eat marshmallows and have a bath, inside a bath shop, because we don’t actually have a bath. I really make myself mad for doing this. I must stop. IMMEDIATELY.

 

8. People that say ‘you look really tired’. If you’re not also saying ‘are you ok?’ or offering to help, then keep your interesting and CAPTAIN BLEEDING OBVIOUS thoughts to yourself, and your unthinking mouth inside the vehicle at all times. See the point re awesomeness above. Awesomeness requires superpowers. My eyes also have superpowers, and I may sear your mouth off with my extremely tired laser eyes. They still have super stinkeye powers, you know.

 

8. Fairies. You piss me off the most. You make me mad as hell. Where are you? Here I am, working my hardest at being totally completely awesome, while children are raised with the expectation that you exist to plug all the gaps, and YOU DO NOT EXIST. Why not? I need you! I asked for a twitchy nose like Samantha on Bewitched and wasn’t given one, so I need to delegate. I have pets, but they are good for nothing. In fact, they’re worse than that. The rabbit needs antibiotics, twice per day, plus wrapping in a blanket at night, in case giving food and water to a fish and cat and dog weren’t already enough. Shoosh about the fish. I don’t know if they drink water. Do they?

 

I don’t know. I’m tired. And we had tuna for dinner, and I can still smell it. And I don’t have fairies to do the dishes or fly my covers up to cover my weary body. Grrrrrrr. Goats.

 

Ahhhhh thank you, Lounge, for listening. That feels so much better. A little bit like after a migraine, when it’s as though the inside of my head has been superjet sprayed out by a guerney. Clear and fresh. I’m going to go and fill my glass half full again now.
Xx
 Linking up with The Lounge at Robomum’s place, and Grace for FYBF.
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36 thoughts on “A rave, a rant, and how to look jaunty in a tie.

  1. Man those Fucking Fairies failed me too – they need to come and clean my boys school shirts. They wear white shirts that are designed to wear untucked and then the hemlines get covered in dirt and mud and grease and whatever other crap they sit on and do you think I can get it out in the wash? Do you think I have time to even try and get it out in the wash? Thank God there are no ties in the equation too. Rant over. You are right. That does feel good! :) x
    Sonia Life Love Hiccups recently posted…There Comes a Time You’ve Just Gotta Give In To WinterMy Profile

    • I know – ranting is SOOOOO cathartic. As for the shirts, I’m totally with you. Ours are white too. WHAT THE. Why not start them out grey or something, so any crap they get on there can be rubbed in or swirled around or ‘creatively’ massaged into the fabric? I swear, Napisan must sit on P&Cs who decide on white school shirts, all around this country. It’s a CORPORATE CONSPIRACY!!!!!! :) x

  2. I wait for the Dinner Fairy every single night and she never comes. Hmph. I think you may be right about them not existing. It’s all Enid Blyton’s fault for making us believe as children. Let’s blame her. Horrid woman.

    Love the tie. xo
    Ness recently posted…Rambling RantsMy Profile

    • Thanks Ness ;) Enid Blyton – PURE evil. I really thought there was a faraway tree too, and kept wishing for Silky, because she was my favourite. And all those lollies she invented that didn’t exist!!! Just cruel. xx

    • HA oooh you had one of those schools too did you? ‘Or our skirts around our armpits?’ (It made them shorter you know, and if you untucked your shirt nobody could see what a Harry Hi-skirt you were)

    • :) EVERY week? Well…. that’s a lot of ranting. However, That Man would probably be deliriously happy if I diverted my ranty energies in a direction that’s somewhere other than at his head… I shall put my ranting hat on and see what I can do x

  3. Apparently you can buy clip-on ties, I know because my dad used to wear one every day when he was in the Air Force, they look just the same as the real thing! P.S. If I were Eloise I’d rather peel Patrick’s sweet potato, than Nina’s. P.P.S. That’s kind of a clumsy euphemism, isn’t it? Sorry!
    Lisa@circleoftoast recently posted…Killing Everyone Softly With My SongMy Profile

    • Thanks Lara. I would really have liked to have been a beat poet in another life. And i do feel very passionate about the pants. In the pants. ;)

    • You make a great and valid point Rachel. Ugly is bad. And Tuesday is ugly day at our school. I vote for the normal uniform, WITHOUT THE TIE. Like, casual business day. Just like the kid on the Uncle Tobys ad. (are they paying me yet??)

  4. Do fish drink water? I don’t know – DO fish drink water ….? That’s going to keep me awake! I had to help bury a goat the other week and that was after the damned thing dropped dead ( you may be saying obviously at this point but it’s not necessarily obvious as I’ve found with dead hamsters which turned out not to be ACTUALLY dead …) and that was just after I’d just bought it a sheep to keep it company – I call that bloody ungrateful!
    Sarah Mac recently posted…I Am Not The Alien – The Lounge AdditionMy Profile

    • I completely understand about the hamster. I tried to bury a fish that turned out to not actually be dead either. WOAH … bury a goat. You are BRAVE. We were just thinking about their freaky eyes alive. Cant imagine them dead. I also understand about the bloody ungrateful goat (on a much smaller scale). Both our fish died. First one, so we bought another to keep the old guy company. Then old guy dropped dead. I would have been fish-free, finally, but now i just have this new lump of a fish. Swimming. Drinking water. Or not.

  5. Firstly if I looked that good in a tie I would wear one every freakin’ day!
    I’m actually a bit frightened of goats. Have you seen their eyes? Those goaty eyes be crazy.
    Everyone does the pants within the pants thing. One day I will go mad and probably strangle someone with a pair of dirty jocks tangled in a pair of jeans!
    Rachel recently posted…We need to talk about…My Profile

    • Thanks hun. I’m with you on the goats. They are CREEPY man. If i saw one in the dark I’d be screaming (louder than Whitney Houston, Taylor Swift, AND all their goats). I, personally, most certainly DO NOT do the pants in pants thing. And I’m sure you don’t either. Cos we are the washing captains, right? GRRRRRRRRRRR.

  6. Oh God yes the “you look tired” thing. That old chestnut.
    You look CUTE AS A BUG in a tie.
    And OMG if there were small ties to be tied round small necks round this joint then M and I would most definitely lose our jobs, as we are already on THIN FREAKING ICE for being perpetually late. Total disgraces.
    Sarah @ Slapdash Mama recently posted…Ranting with The LoungeMy Profile

    • Aww I will keep you in my pocket always for calling me that. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to look cute as a bug and never have till now. I’ve tried so hard to do the ‘keep the tie tied and rip it off the head and put it back on the next day done’ thing, but the goddamn thing isn’t long enough. It’s a conspiracy I tell you.

  7. I have someone I know who always says this: You look tired hun, are you ok? Then she looks at me like she’s upset. Thanks for the feedback, mole.
    You look great in the tie. And the frames are tres cool. Are they new?
    Robomum recently posted…My Favourite RanterMy Profile

  8. Speak to GWPS P & C and get them to bring in the “slip on tie”. M has one and you just slip it over their head and the elastic retracts to fit perfectly around the neck. Lazy mum over here! I’m with you on the tuna front. I even had someone ask me if I was eating cat food when they saw me eating it out of the tin.

    • Slip on tie!! YES! Although .. talking to the P&C would surely require actually going to a meeting? There must be another way?? THEY ASKED IF YOU WERE EATING CAT FOOD!? WHO WAS THIS PERSON? I will sear them with my tired laser eyes, because, really. Just, really.

  9. I had the best tie. I used to wear it all the time to work. It was the American flag with 4 of the presidents faces in caricature. Everyone loved it, strangers would comment on it. Then certain world events happened and suddenly nutters would yell at me in the street. So I’ve put it away for my safety…
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted…RaveMy Profile

    • Thanks Mumabs. Chunky glasses can hide all manner of baggy ol’ eyes. They also help one to see. Quite helpful these glasses things.

  10. Ah Yes, the “you’re looking tired”. I did that the other day. A colleague just looked all puffy and red eyed and blotchy, so my brain went into overdrive. Be a sensitive and kind (and observant) manager, “Are you OK?”
    “Why? I’m fine” was the response” There was nothing wrong, and so I was left muttering oh, Ok, no you look fine, just your eyes looked a bit watery. And then I sat back down and hid in my cubicle for the rest of the day and my colleague no doubt ran to the mirror to see if she really looked as shit as I implied she did.

    All Bad.
    Katyberry recently posted…Spreading the MiseryMy Profile

    • Eeek. Ouch. That should maybe go up there in the ‘are you pregnant’ commenting category of not saying anything until you see a baby about to actually sprout forth from said woman. Perhaps don’t say anything until real tears actually come out… nice that you care though.

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