A letter to me. Before kids. With Warnings.



Dear Me,*

Dude! Please, do not ever let me hear you say you’re bored again. Future you will put ‘bored’ in the category of ‘good day’ words. Read more books, quickly. See movies. Also see the future movies that haven’t yet been made, since future you won’t have time to see them. Then you’ll at least be able to smile and nod when someone quotes a seminal movie line like ‘I love lamp’.* (Apologies to us. We’re not going to grow up and become highbrow.) Also, know when to stop quoting your favourite movie lines. Not too many people have actually seen ‘Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead’ and won’t know what you’re talking about when you say ‘I’m right on top of that Rose’. You’ll get tired of explaining who Rose is, and that no, you don’t think their name is Rose.

Stop standing up when you eat. What are you, a horse? You’ll be doing it for a living later (yes, yes, you’re not infertile and will breed two lovely girls. You’ll be eating breakfast and lunch in the kitchen while said lovely girls pull on your clothes for laughs. I’m pretty sure that’s why they do it). So SIT. DOWN.

Travel. I know you are now, and you will have the chance again, but try some slightly harder places. Climb to Machu Picchu, see the Moai statues in Easter Island, ski in Japan, and go smoke something in Marrakech. There is so much to see and such rich and amazing culture to experience. One day you’ll be trying to learn about it all through SBS and it’s not enough. Mainly because you keep falling asleep on the couch at 9 pm before they reach the top of the mountain (so much expectation… so little resolution), and your educational viewing keeps being interrupted by IMPORTANT shows like Embarrassing Bodies. Yes. It really is a thing. People that have been too embarrassed to visit their doctor about their leaking stinking hairy pus-filled head/toe/bum go and strip down on national TV while a cameraman (or WOMAN – must be PC in 2013) zooms in for a high res closeup of the leaking piece of anatomy. Then everyone feels much better about themselves apparently. Must. Keep. Watching.

Don’t worry so much about your peer group. This will sound bad, but, umm… why don’t you try on a few more hats? You will be wearing the hat you marry for a long time. That long term thing you do? It seems really dramatic and all when you’re a teenager, but just no. Stop! Immediately!

A few more words of advice from future me to you, in brief: don’t think so hard, don’t work so hard, definitely play too hard, exercise a lot (and your body will and does thank you later), and smile whenever you can, knowing you have two beautiful girls coming along to change your life forever.

Also – in March 2013 you will have a cold. Try and take some echinacea in February 2012. Ok? Thanks. Mwah.


*In case it’s driving you crazy, this is from Anchorman.
*If this letter looks familiar, that’s because it probably is. A version of it appeared as my ‘Featured Flogger’ post on Grace’s Flog Yo Blog Friday page a while back. What can I say? I’m time poor and my advice to myself is unchanged.

16 thoughts on “A letter to me. Before kids. With Warnings.

    • You’re so right, Susan. The standards have taken a serious slide. Cold tea is a beverage I’ve grown to appreciate. I’ll also accept 3x microwaved coffee. Three is the limit though. You’ve gotta draw the line SOMEWHERE.

  1. I remember some of this from the first version and I still completely love it. A big YES for the sitting down while you eat. Sitting down at all, actually. Should have done more of it! I’m very glad my past self didn’t know about the dire quality of some of the TV shows available for my future self, however. There are some things one really just doesn’t need to know.
    Lara @ This Charming Mum recently posted…One Direction: Won’t somebody think of the parents??My Profile

    • I know, Lara. Having just raved about my ‘relaxing’ long weekend, I look back and realise I spent two days on my feet until 8 at night. Sooooooooo relaxing. Ha. Past Kim is laughing.

  2. At least your line to quote isn’t “well, f@ck you & f@ck your tea” when someone says something isn’t their cup of tea. Amazingly no one I know watches Curb your Enthusiasm. I get a lot of stunned silences….
    Lydia c lee recently posted…Riddle me this (2)My Profile

  3. Great advice! Damn I wish I’d travelled more. I lived in bloody South America and I didn’t go to Machu Pichu OR the Galapagos OR the Amazon… only a LIFELONG dream… why? Because I had a baby/toddler/was pregnant. Bloody hell.
    Lani recently posted…Wedding centralMy Profile

    • We’re just going to have to do that ‘moving mountain to Mohammad’ thing since we can’t seem to get ourselves to the mountain with all these kids that keep happening! Just a little bit of continental plate shifting should see us in South America again in no time I reckon!

    • At least she wasn’t talking into her shoe… that could have been awkward. I get paid out for saying ‘righto’, like a nanna. It seems I’m going to be branded a nutter whether I update my early 80s lingo or not ;)

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